"Aw huh!" he snarled. He was cursing something. He asked questions and
answered them. This got him nowhere. Stars, buildings, faces--he wanted
to knock them over. That was inside him, a wish to knock 'em over. More
than a wish. A necessity. But he could only walk. The world scratched at
his elbow. He could bite on his pipe. This thing hurt him.
People, rotten people. Crazy jellyfish with jellyfish hearts, jellyfish
brains. He could swear at 'em like that. But why? He didn't know. Only
this thing in him made him blow up.
It was easier when he worked. His father calmed him. His father stood
over the bench planning the fine-grained wood. A great man because he
loved the wood he cut and carved into pieces of furniture. But jellyfish
sat in the chairs they made in his father's shop. Damn 'em.
"Love people. Say something. What? Say something. Get it out. Aw, the
dirty, filthy swine."
That was the way he thought as he walked. A long furious mumble in him,
this man walked and saw nothing but light slants, spinning windows. He
was young and he wore a cap.
He would get it out of him ... Show 'em! Ah, a nip to the air. Spring
blowing his heart up like a balloon. All they wanted was women. And all
women wanted was to be wanted. No. That was wrong. Damn! Always wrong!
His feet talked better than his head. Clap, clap on the pavement. Where
were the others going?
He didn't hate them. Someday it would all come out like swans swimming.
Very majestic. He would talk easy and smooth. But now people kept him
from putting it over. They wrapped him up. Ideas wrapped up his words
and killed them. Streets, buildings, stars chewed at him. He must knock
'em over and get himself free. Put his hands on things and knock Hell
out of 'em.
"Love 'em. Love 'em. How the Hell ... why the Hell? Lindstrum!
Lindstrum! That's my name.... I got a name. I'm the greatest man in the
world. The world's greatest all-around individual on two legs walking,
smoking. Damn...."
But what could he do? Saw wood, smear varnish on wood, monkey around
with wood. That didn't get it out. When he wrote it came out. But
rotten. He wrote rotten, crazy rotten. If he was the greatest man why in
God's name! He'd show 'em.
A long breath brought the night into him like a sponge. It drained
something out of him. He could grin. A very evil grin at a saloon
window. He could look around and notice. That's what eyes were for.
Look--people walking. Poor, sad, broken people. So sad.... Ah, tired
eyes in the street that looked for lights outside themselves.
"I'm going nuts. That's what--nuts."
But the mumble went on. Questions and answers in a circle, biting their
own tails. God forgive them, all these people. He must do something.
Arms around them whispering to their hearts something that would say,
"Yes, yes. I know it all about you. How you think one way and feel
another. And how everything ends. How everything ends in a little cry
that goes up."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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