Happier? Away! such thoughts I spurn. I count it true from spring to fall, 'Tis better to be wed, and groan, Than never to be wed at all. I'd work my hands down to the bone Rather than rest a maiden lone. This truth I cannot, will not shirk, I feel it when I sorrow most: I'd rather break my back with work, And haggard look as any ghost,-- Rather than lonely vigils keep, I'd wed and sigh and groan and weep. Yes, I can say though tears fall quick Can say, while briny tear-drops start, I'd rather wed a crooked stick, Than never wed no stick at all. Sooner than laughed at be, as of yore I'd ruther laugh myself no more. I'd ruther go half clad and starved, And mops and dish-cloths madly wave Than have the name, B. Bobbett, carved On head-stun rising o'er my grave. Proud thought! now, when that stun is risen 'Twill bear two names--my name and hisen. Methinks 'twould colder make the stun If but one name, the name of she, Should linger there alone--alone. How different when the name of he Does also deck the funeral urn; Two wedded names, his name and hurn. And sweeter yet, oh blessed lot! Oh state most dignified and blest! To be a widder calmly sot, And have both dignity and rest. Oh Simon, strangely sweet 'twould be To be a widder unto thee. The warfare past, the horrors done, With maiden's ease and pride of wife, The dignity of wedded one, The calm and peace of single life,-- Oh, strangely sweet this lot doth seem; A female widder is my theme. I would not hurt a hair of he, Yet did he from earth's toil escape, I could most reconciléd be, Could sweetly mourn e'en without crape. Could say without a pang of pain That Simon's loss was Betsy's gain. I've told the plain tale of my woes, With no deceit or language vain, Have told whereon my hopes are rose, Have sung my mournful song of pain. And now I e'en will end my tale, I've sung my song, and wailed my wail. X THE MODERN WIMMEN CONDEMNED The Vice President of the Creation Searchin' Society of Jonesville wuz here yesterday mornin', and as soon as he'd gone through the usual neighborly talk about the weather, the hens, his wife, and the neighbors, etc., he tipped back in his chair and pushed back his hat a little furder on his head. He never took off his hat in my sight; Samantha asked me once "if I spozed he took it off nights, or slep in it." But I explained it to her as a kind man is always willin' to do if a female asks him properly for information. Sez I, "I hearn him say once, Samantha, that the way he got in the habit of not takin' off his hat before wimmen wuz to impress 'em with the fact of male superiority, and to let 'em know that he wuzn't goin' to bow down before 'em and act meachin'. He wuz always a big feelin' feller and after he got to be such a high official in the C.S.S. he naterally is hautier actin'."