In the oncoming twilight the brilliant shop fronts were vague with
glitter and color. Above the glowering tower of an office building a
blanched star twinkled among faded clouds. When they reached Dudley's
doorstep Julia began to feel morally ill and to wonder why she had come.
As Dudley watched her mount the long green-carpeted stairs before him he
was suddenly afraid of her.
They entered the studio. It was almost dark in the big room. The canvas
that Dudley was working on stood out conspicuously in the translucent
gloom that filtered through the skylight. He crossed the floor and
furtively threw an old dressing gown over the painting.
Julia found herself unable to speak. When she discerned the lounge she
sat down weakly upon it.
Dudley stumbled over the furniture. He wanted to evade the moment when
he must find the lamp. "Take off your wrap, Julia. I can't find matches.
I seem to have mislaid everything. I am a graceless host." His own voice
sounded strange to him.
When at last he struck a match, Julia said, "Don't!" and put her hands
to her eyes. The flame, which, for an instant, had blindly illumined his
face, went out. Dudley could not bring himself to move. The evening sky,
dim with color, was visible through the windows behind him, and above
the sombre roof of the factory that rose from the courtyard his figure
was thrown into relief. Objects over which there seemed to brood a
peculiar stillness loomed about the room.
The tension was intolerable to them both. They were experiencing the
same nausea and disgust of their emotions--emotions which seemed
inevitable for such a moment and so meaningless. Dudley said, "Where are
you? I'm afraid of stumbling over you."
Julia, a hysterical note in her voice, answered, "Here I am, Dudley."
She knew that he was coming toward her. She wanted to die to escape the
thing in herself which would yield to him. But at this instant the light
flashed on and everything that she was feeling appeared to her as
unjustifiable and ridiculous.
To Dudley, Julia's body represented all the darkness of self-distrust
and the coldness of his own worldly mind. He wished that her personality
were more bizarre so that he might regard his past acts as mad rather
than commonplace. He did not know why he had brought her to the studio
and was ashamed to look at her. There was nothing for it but to admit
the duality of his nature, and that half of it was weak. He longed to
hasten the time of sailing when he would begin completely his life alone
in which nothing but the artist in him would be permitted to survive. He
said, "Is it too late for me to make you some tea? Let me take your
wrap." When he approached her he averted his gaze.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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