Not George Washington — an Autobiographical Novel — John Shaqi
Not George Washington — an Autobiographical NovelWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Not George Washington — an Autobiographical Novel
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories
“Yes, you’ve been there,” I said. “Well, you’ve seen that my little
turn-up with the monster was short and sharp. It wasn’t one of the
old-fashioned, forty-round, most-of-a-lifetime, feint-for-an-opening,
in-and-out affairs. Our pace was too fast for that. We went at it both
hands, fighting all the time. I was going for the knock-out in the
first round. Not your method, Julian.”
“No,” said Julian; “it’s not my method. I treat the monster rather as a
wild animal than as a hooligan; and hearing that wild animals won’t do
more than sniff at you if you lie perfectly still, I adopted that ruse
towards him to save myself the trouble of a conflict. But the effect of
lying perfectly still was that I used to fall asleep; and that works
satisfactorily.”
“Julian,” I said, “I detect a touch of envy in your voice. You try to
keep it out, but you can’t. Wait a bit, though. I haven’t finished.
“As you know, I had the monster down in less than no time. I said to
myself, ‘I’ve won. I’ll write to Margaret, and tell her so!’ Do you
know I had actually begun to write the letter when another thought
struck me. One that started me sweating and shaking. ‘The monster,’ I
said again to myself, ‘the monster is devilish cunning. Perhaps he’s
only shamming! It looks as if he were beaten. Suppose it’s only a feint
to get me off my guard. Suppose he just wants me to take my eyes off
him so that he may get at me again as soon as I’ve begun to look for a
comfortable chair and a mantelpiece to rest my feet on!’ I told myself
that I wouldn’t risk bringing Margaret over. I didn’t dare chance her
being with me if ever I had to go back into the ring. So I kept jumping
and stamping on the monster. The referee had given me the fight and had
gone away; and, with no one to stop me, I kicked the life out of him.”
“No, you didn’t,” interrupted Julian. “Excuse me, I’m sure you didn’t.
I often wake up and hear him prowling about.”
“Yes; but there’s a separate monster set apart for each of us. It’s
Fate who arranges the programme, and, by stress of business, Fate
postpones many contests so late that before they can take place the man
has died. Those who die before their fight comes on are called rich
men. To return, however, to my own monster: I was at last convinced
that he was dead a thousand times——”
“How long have you had this conviction?” asked Julian.
“The absolute certainty that my monster has ceased to exist came to me
this morning whilst I brushed my hair.”
“Ah,” said Julian; “and now, I suppose, you really will write to Miss
Margaret——” He paused.
“Goodwin?”
“To Miss Margaret Goodwin,” he repeated.
“Look here, Julian,” I said irritably; “it’s no use your repeating
every observation I make as though you were Massa Johnson on Margate
Sands.”
“What’s the matter?”
I was silent for a moment. Then I confessed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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