The £1,000,000 bank-note, and other new storiesTwain, Mark
General
The £1,000,000 bank-note, and other new stories
Twain, Mark
American essays -- 19th century; American fiction -- 19th century; Humorous stories, American
It will hardly be believed that after all this thunder and lightning not
a drop of rain fell; but such is the fact. Elfonzo and his gang stood up
and blackguarded Mr. Valeer with vigour all night, getting their outlay
back with interest; then in the early morning the army and its general
retired from the field, leaving the victory with their solitary
adversary and his crowbar. This is the first time this has happened in
romantic literature. The invention is original. Everything in this book
is original; there is nothing hackneyed about it anywhere. Always, in
other romances, when you find the author leading up to a climax, you
know what is going to happen. But in this book it is different; the
thing which seems inevitable and unavoidable never happens; it is
circumvented by the art of the author every time.
Another elopement was attempted. It failed.
We have now arrived at the end. But it is not exciting. McClintock
thinks it is; but it isn’t. One day Elfonzo sends Ambulinia another
note—a note proposing elopement No. 16. This time the plan is admirable;
admirable, sagacious, ingenious, imaginative, deep—oh, everything, and
perfectly easy. One wonders why it was never thought of before. This is
the scheme. Ambulinia is to leave the breakfast table, ostensibly to
‘attend to the placing of those flowers, which ought to have been done a
week ago’—artificial ones, of course; the others wouldn’t keep so
long—and then, instead of fixing the flowers, she is to walk out to the
grove, and go off with Elfonzo. The invention of this plan overstrained
the author, that is plain, for he straightway shows failing powers. The
details of the plan are not many or elaborate. The author shall state
them himself—this good soul, whose intentions are always better than his
English:
‘“You walk carelessly towards the academy grove, where you will find me
with a lightning steed, elegantly equipped to bear you off where we
shall be joined in wedlock with the first connubial rights.”’
Last scene of all, which the author, now much enfeebled, tries to
smarten up and make acceptable to his spectacular heart by introducing
some new properties—silver bow, golden harp, olive branch,—things that
can all come good in an elopement, no doubt, yet are not to be compared
to an umbrella for real handiness and reliability in an excursion of
that kind.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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