The American Joe Miller: A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humor
Philosophy
The American Joe Miller: A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humor
American wit and humor
A highly respectable inhabitant in the city of New York lately died
under very remarkable circumstances. He was subject to fits of extreme
absence of mind from childhood; and one night, upon retiring to rest,
having carefully tucked his pantaloons under the bed-clothes, he threw
himself over the back of a chair, and expired from the severe cold he
experienced during the night. The editor of the _New York Herald_, who
relates this extraordinary fact, assures his readers, as a guarantee
of its truth, that he received his information from the individual in
question.
A REMARKABLE MAN.--138.
There is a man in the West who is described as being so remarkably
tall that he requires a ladder to shave himself! The same individual
never troubles his servant to sit up for him when he is out late at
night, for he can, with the most perfect ease, put his arm down the
chimney and unbolt the street-door.
SPECTACLES AND BIBLE READING.--139.
The will of Elias Boudinot, of New Jersey, has just been proved. It
contains the following clause:--"I give to the president and managers
of the New Jersey Bible Society 200 dollars, to be laid out in the
purchase of spectacles, to be given by them to the poor old people; it
being in vain to give a Bible to those who cannot obtain the means of
reading it."
TO THE POINT.--140.
An officer who was inspecting his company one morning spied one
private whose shirt was sadly begrimed. "Patrick O'Flynn!" called out
the captain. "Here, yer honour!" promptly responded Patrick, with
his hand to his cap. "How long do you wear a shirt?" thundered the
officer. "Twenty-eight inches," was the rejoinder.
EXTRAORDINARY MOTTO.--141.
The _New York Herald_ has the following for its motto:--"Take no
shin-plasters (all damned rogues who issue them), live temperately,
drink moderately, eschew temperance societies, take care of the
sixpences, never hurt a saint, go to bed at ten, rise at six, never
buy on credit, fear God Almighty, love the beautiful girls, vote
against Van Buren, and kick all politicians and parsons to the devil."
EXCESSIVE POLITENESS.--142.
A Californian poet gives the following lesson on politeness to the
youth of the Golden State:--
"Indeed, my friends, far better it would seem,
Were you to choose the opposite extreme;
Like one 'Down East' who an umbrella took,
And from the rain gave shelter to a duck;
Who to a limping dog once lent his arm,
And to a setting hen said, 'Don't rise, ma'am;'
Nor e'er to lifeless things respect did lack--
Said always to a chair, 'Excuse my back;'
'Excuse my curiosity,' he said to books;
And to the looking-glass, 'Excuse my looks.'"
"A SHELL IN DE STOVE."--143.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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