He turned his face toward me. It was all dark, no eyes were to be seen;
only white eyebrows and a mustache and beard, which were like mildew
on the agonized and motionless countenance which was effaced by the
darkness. I heard the rustling of his voice:
"You argue up there. Why do you argue? You should serve God humbly.
What is there to argue about with God? You should simply love God."
"I love Him," I answered.
"Well, perhaps. He punishes you, but you must make believe that you see
nothing and say, 'Praise be unto thee, O Lord.' Say that always, and
nothing more."
It was evident that it was difficult for him to speak, either from
weakness or because he was unused to it. His words were hardly alive
and his voice was like the trembling of the wings of a dying bird.
I could not ask the old man anything, for I was sorry to disturb the
peace of his death-waiting, and I feared to startle something; so I
stood there motionless. From above the sound of bells leaked down,
rocking the hair on my head, and I desired ardently to lift up my head
toward the sky and gaze at it, but the darkness pressed down heavily on
my neck and I did not move.
"Pray," he said to me, "and I will pray for you."
He became silent again. All was quiet, and a terrible fear made my
flesh creep and filled my breast with icy coldness. A little later he
whispered to me:
"Are you still here?"
"Yes."
"I can't see. Well, go, and God be with you. Don't argue."
I went out quietly. When I reached the earth above and breathed the
pure air, I was drunk with joy and my head swam. I was all wet as if
I had been in a cave; and he, Mardarie, had been sitting there now the
fourth year!
I was to have five interviews with him, but I kept silent through them
all; I could not speak. When I went down to him he listened, and then
asked me in his unnatural voice:
"Some one came--the same one as yesterday?"
"Yes. It is I."
Then he began to mumble, with interruptions:
"Don't offend God--what do you need? You need nothing. Perhaps a little
piece of bread. But to offend God is a sin. That comes from the devil.
The devils, they lend a hand to every one. I know them. They are
offended and they are malicious. They are offended--that is why they
are malicious. So don't get offended, or you will resemble the devil.
People offend you, but you should say to them: 'Christ save you,' and
then go. Everything is vanity. The main thing is yourself. Let them not
take your soul away. Hide it, so that they cannot take it away."
He sowed his quiet words, and they spread themselves over me like ashes
from a far-off fire. They were not necessary to me, and they did not
touch my soul. It seemed to me I saw a black dream, which I could not
understand and which wearied me very much.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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