The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
Betsey hain’t handsome. Her cheek-bones are high, and she bein’ not much
more than skin and bone they show plainer than they would if she was in
good order. Her complexion (not that I blame her for it) hain’t good,
and her eyes are little and sot way back in her head. Time has seen fit
to deprive her of her hair and teeth, but her large nose he has kindly
suffered her to keep, but she has got the best white ivory teeth money
will buy; and two long curls fastened behind each ear, besides frizzles
on the top of her head; and if she wasn’t naturally bald, and if the
curls was the colour of her hair, they would look well. She is awful
sentimental; I have seen a good many that had it bad, but of all the
sentimental creeters I ever did see, Betsey Bobbet is the
sentimentalest; you couldn’t squeeze a laugh out of her with a cheeze
press.
As I said, she is awful opposed to wimmin’s havin’ any right, only the
right to get married. She holds on to that right as tight as any single
woman I ever see, which makes it hard and wearyin’ on the single men
round here.
For take the men that are the most opposed to wimmin’s havin’ a right,
and talk the most about its bein’ her duty to cling to man like a vine
to a tree, they don’t want Betsey to cling to them, they _won’t let_ her
cling to ’em. For when they would be a-goin’ on about how wicked it was
for wimmin to vote—and it was her only spear to marry, says I to ’em,
“Which had you ruther do, let Betsey Bobbet cling to you or let her
vote?” and they would every one of ’em quail before that question. They
would drop their heads before my keen grey eyes—and move off the
subject.
But Betsey don’t get discourajed. Every time I see her she says in a
hopeful, wishful tone, “That the deepest men of minds in the country
agree with her in thinkin’ that it is wimmin’s duty to marry and not to
vote.” And then she talks a sight about the retirin’ modesty and dignity
of the fair sect, and how shameful and revoltin’ it would be to see
wimmin throwin’ ’em away, and boldly and unblushin’ly talkin’ about law
and justice.
Why, to hear Betsey Bobbet talk about wimmin’s throwin’ their modesty
away, you would think if they ever went to the political pole, they
would have to take their dignity and modesty and throw ’em against the
pole, and go without any all the rest of their lives.
Now I don’t believe in no such stuff as that. I think a woman can be
bold and unwomanly in other things besides goin’ with a thick veil over
her face, and a brass-mounted parasol, once a year, and gently and
quietly dropping a vote for a Christian President, or a religious and
noble-minded pathmaster.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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