The reason why the heavens took such an interest in the United States of America was the fact, that Captain Villiam Brown, of Company 3, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, was to make a Great Expedition to Accomac County on that morning. Twelve years was the period originally assigned, my boy, for the preparation of this Expedition; but, when the government heard that the Accomac rebels were making candles of all the fat Boston men they took prisoners, it concluded to do something during the present century. Villiam Brown was assigned to the command of the Expedition, and when I asked the General of the Mackerel Brigade how such selection happened to be made, he said that Villiam was assigned because there were so many signs of an ass about him. The General is much given to classical metaphors, my boy, and ought to write for the new American Encyclopedia. Previous to starting, Villiam Brown called a meeting of his staff, for the purpose of selecting such officers only who had slept with Hardee, and knew beans. "Gentlemen," said Villiam, seating himself at a table, on which stood the Oath and a clean tumbler; "I wish to know which of you is the greatest shakes in a sacred skrimmage." A respectable leftenant stepped forward with his hand upon his boozum. "Being a native of Philadelphia," says he, "I am naturally modest; but only yesterday, when two rebels pitched into me, I knocked them both over, and am here to tell the tale." Villiam Brown gave the speaker a piercing look, my boy, and says he: "Impostor! beware how you insult the United States of America. I fathom your falsehood," says he, "by my knowledge of Matthew Maticks. You say that two chivalries pitched into you, and you knocked them both over. Now Matthew Maticks distinctly says that two into one goes _no times_, and _nothing_ over. Speaker of the House, remove this leftenant to the donjon keep. He's Ananias Number 2." The officer from Philadelphia being removed to the guard-house, where there is weeping and wailing, and picking of teeth, another leftenant stepped forward: "I deal in technicalities," says he, "and can post you in law." "Ha!" says Villiam, softly sipping the Oath, "then I will try you with an abstract question, my beautiful Belvideary. Supposing Mason and Slidell were your friends, how would you work it to get them out of Fort Warren?" "Why," said the leftenant, pleasantly, "I'd sue out a writ of Habeas Jackass, and get the _New York Herald_ to advise the Government not to let them out." "Yes," says Villiam, meditatively, "that would be sure to do it. I'll use you to help me get up my Proclamation." "And now," says Villiam, dropping a lump of sugar into the Oath, and stirring it with a comb, "who is that air melancholy chap with a tall hat on, who looks like Hamlet with a panic?" The melancholy chap came to the front, shook his long locks like Banquo, and says he: "I'm the Press. I'm the Palladium of our Liberties--