The trail of Ingeborg was over all his day. When, warm and ruffled from
prayer, he plunged down into his work again, he could not do a thing
without being reminded she was not there. He was forced to think of her
every moment of his time. It was ignoble, but without her he was like an
actor who has learned not his part but to lean on the prompter, and who
finds himself on the stage with the prompter gone dead in his box. She
was dead to him, dead in obstinate sin; and dignity demanded she should
continue dead until she came of her own accord and told him she had done
with that terrible affair of the East Prussian pastor. He did not know
whether he would then forgive her--he would probably defer forgiveness
as a disciplinary measure, after having implored heaven's guidance--but
he would allow a certain amount of resurrection, sufficient to enable
her to sit up at her desk every day and disentangle the confusion her
wickedness alone had caused. In the evenings she would, he thought, at
any rate for a time, be best put back in her grave.
At this point he began to be able to say "Poor girl," and to feel that
he pitied her.
But it was not till the end of the week, as Sunday drew near, that his
prayers did after all begin to be answered, and he regained enough
control of his words if not of his thoughts to be able to reappear among
his family and show nothing less becoming than reserve. He even
succeeded, though without speaking to her, in kissing Ingeborg's
forehead night and morning and making the sign of the Cross over her
when she went to bed as he had done from her earliest years. She seemed
smaller than ever, hardly there at all, and made him think of an empty
dress walking about with a head on it. Contemplating her when she was
not looking his desire to shake her became finally quenched by the
perception that really there would be nothing to shake. It would be like
shaking out mere clothes, garments with the body gone out of them; there
would be dust, but little satisfaction. She had evidently been feeling,
he was slightly soothed to observe, for not only was her dress empty but
her face seemed diminished, and she certainly was remarkably pale. She
struck him as very unattractive, entirely designed by Providence for a
happy home life. And to think that this nothing, this amazing
littleness--well, well; poor girl.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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