"I have been down here for several days, trying to escape from
London and the thoughts which London gives me. But it has been
quite useless. I saw to-day, quite by chance, in the hotel
register, that you have arrived here. I did not think that we were
ever likely to meet again, except in the most casual way. I hope
not. Since I have been here, the torture of my life has increased a
thousand-fold, and I have come to the conclusion that my life must
stop. I am not fit to live. I don't blame you too much, because if
I hadn't been a scoundrel and a wastrel all my life, I should never
have put myself in your hands. As far as your lights go, you have
acted well to me. You have paid me generously for the years of
dirty work I have done at your bidding. For what I have done
lately, you have made me financially free, and I shall die owing no
man a penny, and with no man, save you only, knowing that I die
without hope--lost, degraded and despairing. Don't think I blame
you, William Gouldesbrough, because I don't. When I was at Eton, I
was always a pleasure-loving little scug. I was the same at Oxford.
I have been the same in all my life in town. I have never been any
good to myself, and I have disappointed all the hopes my people had
for me. It's all been my own fault. Then I became entangled with
you, and I was too weak to resist the money you were prepared to
pay me for the things I have done for you.
"But it's all over now. I have gone too far. I have helped you, and
am equally guilty with you, to commit a frightful crime. Lax as I
have always been, I can no longer feel I have any proper place
among men of my own sort. All I can say is that I am glad I shall
die without anybody knowing what I really am.
"I write this note after dinner, and, finding the number of your
room from the hotel clerk, I leave it here for you to see. I am
going to make an end of it all in an hour or two, when I have
written a few notes to acquaintances and so on. I can't go on
living, Gouldesbrough, because night and day, day and night, I am
haunted by the thought of that poor young man you have got in your
foul house in Regent's Park. What you are doing to him I don't
know. The end of your revenge I can only guess at. But it is all so
horrible that I am glad to be done with life. I wish you good-bye;
and I wish to God--if there is really a God--that I had never
crossed your path and never been your miserable tool.
"EUSTACE CHARLIEWOOD."
As Sir William Gouldesbrough read this letter, his whole tall figure
became rigid. He seemed to stiffen as a corpse stiffens.
Then, quite suddenly, he turned round and pushed the letter into the
depths of the glowing fire, pressing the paper down with the poker until
every vestige of it was consumed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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