So many steps the length of my cell--beginning with the heel planted
against the wall under the high window, and finishing at the door; so
many steps across--beginning with the heel planted against the wall
opposite the bed, and finishing at night at the bed itself, or in the
day, when the bed had been turned up against the wall, at the opposite
wall. Beside the door the heavy sheet of ground glass that made another
window, outside which a light burned at night for a certain time; before
that ground glass a wooden slab, fixed firmly in the wall, for a table;
a stool for seat. And on the table my Bible. And that was my home for
twenty years!
At first, when I realized what it meant: that I was to live there for
all my life--that ambition, hope, and all that made life worthy had been
stripped away from me--I rebelled fiercely. If I had had any chance to
kill myself I should have done it; because this was so different from
anything I had planned. I saw the years stretching on before me--seemed
to see the very stones of the place worn by my feet, and I growing old
in captivity, with all the busy eager world going on outside. Men and
women living and loving, and laughing and weeping; little children being
born; the seasons renewing themselves; and I at coarse toil, counting
the days, and wondering when they would cease for me.
And yet in time, mercifully enough, I did not count the days. I knew
when Sunday came round, because there was a difference; one sat in the
chapel attached to the prison, and heard a man speak, and the sound of
singing and of an organ; one looked about on the faces of other men,
prisoners like oneself, and wondered about them. The same faces were
seen in the exercise yard and in the shops during the week; but Sunday
was a day to be looked forward to, as a break in the dread monotony of
the week. I only counted Sundays after a time.
After a time, too, the fierce rebellion passed; I was getting used to
things. One gets used to anything, they say, in this world; one's edges
become blunted. In the course of years mine were blunted so much that I
forgot almost how old I was--ceased to care, in fact. And I remember
once that when they shifted me from one cell to another I was resentful,
and pleaded to be put back again; I knew the stones of the other, and
had grown to like them; and this was new to me. It was like turning a
man out of his home, and I was bitter about it.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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