THANKSGIVING DAY. A day devoted by persons with inflammatory rheumatism to thanking a loving Father that it is not hydrophobia. THEOLOGY. An effort to explain the unknowable by putting it into terms of the not worth knowing. TOMBSTONE. An ugly reminder of one who has been forgotten. TRUTH. Something somehow discreditable to someone. UNIVERSITY. A place for elevating sons above the social rank of their fathers. In the great American universities men are ranked as follows: 1. Seducers; 2. Fullbacks; 3. Booze-fighters; 4. Pitchers and Catchers; 5. Poker players; 6. Scholars; 7. Christians. VERDICT. The _a priori_ opinion of that juror who smokes the worst cigars. VERS LIBRE. A device for making poetry easier to write and harder to read. WART. Something that outlasts ten thousand kisses. WEALTH. Any income that is at least $100 more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. WEDDING. A device for exciting envy in women and terror in men. WIFE. One who is sorry she did it, but would undoubtedly do it again. WIDOWER. One released on parole. WOMAN. Before marriage, an _agente provocateuse_; after marriage, a _gendarme_. WOMEN'S CLUB. A place in which the validity of a philosophy is judged by the hat of its prophetess. YACHT CLUB. An asylum for landsmen who would rather die of drink than be seasick. _XII.--THE OLD SUBJECT_ _XII.--The Old Subject_ Sec. 1. Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later. For another thing, they die earlier. Sec. 2. The man who marries for love alone is at least honest. But so was Czolgosz. Sec. 3. When a husband's story is believed, he begins to suspect his wife. Sec. 4. In the year 1830 the average American had six children and one wife. How time transvalues all values! Sec. 5. Love begins like a triolet and ends like a college yell. Sec. 6. A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark. Sec. 7. Man's objection to love is that it dies hard; woman's is that when it is dead it stays dead. Sec. 8. Definition of a good mother: one who loves her child almost as much as a little girl loves her doll. Sec. 9. The way to hold a husband is to keep him a little bit jealous. The way to lose him is to keep him a little bit more jealous. Sec. 10. It used to be thought in America that a woman ceased to be a lady the moment her name appeared in a newspaper. It is no longer thought so, but it is still true. Sec. 11. Women have simple tastes. They can get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. Sec. 12. Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. Sec. 13. How little it takes to make life unbearable!... A pebble in the shoe, a cockroach in the spaghetti, a woman's laugh! Sec. 14. The bride at the altar: "At last! At last!" The bridegroom: "Too late! Too late!" Sec. 15.