Adultery -- Fiction; French fiction -- 19th century
"Few," said Armand. "But what does it matter?" he added gaily; "at each
fresh intrigue they fancy that they have never loved before, and it is
half true, like all truths--they have not loved altogether in the same
manner."
A question rose to Helen's lips. She wished to ask: "And I? What do you
think me? Do you believe that I have loved before you? Do you believe
that I shall love after you?" She dared not. Once more she was cruelly
impressed by the unknown element in her lover's character. No, it was
not she whom he doubted--not she, more than another. The man did not
believe in any woman. But how is love possible without belief? Is there
any sort of tenderness possible without trust? She did not answer
herself on these too painful topics, but she prolonged an involuntary
analysis of her relations with Armand, and suddenly light was thrown
within her upon many of the details which she had not interpreted.
Reflecting upon the distrustful characteristics which alarmed her in
this man, she in a retrospective fashion understood the silence with
which on certain occasions he had greeted her outpourings. She
remembered him listening to her while she spoke of her country life, and
of her moral solitude. "I was keeping myself for you beforehand, without
knowing you," she had said. He had made no reply. He had not believed
her. Another time she had talked to him of the future, and of the joy
that she felt in thinking that they were both young and so had many
years in which to love each other. He had made no reply. He had not
believed her. When she told him that, but for her son, she would have
gone far, very far away, that she might consecrate her entire life to
him alone, he kept silence; he had not believed her. Ah! his
incredulity, his horrible incredulity! She encountered it now even in a
quite recent past, but where she had not suspected it! Or no, was she
deceiving herself? Was it that Armand had believed in her so long as he
loved her, and was beginning to believe in her no longer now that he
loved her less?
Did he love her less? She did not admit for a moment that he had not
loved her at the beginning of their connection. He was an honourable
man, not a love criminal. He would not have asked her to be his had he
not been drawn to do so by all the forces of passion. Then, to explain
Armand's incredulity, she reverted to the young man's past, to the
mysterious deceptions of which her husband had formerly spoken to her.
"A woman has spoiled his heart," she said to herself.
At the thought of this she was pained by a different pain. She pitied
Armand more, and she was jealous with a dim, vague jealousy. Then she
asked herself:
"Will my love ever have power to restore to him the faith that he has
lost?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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