A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary Authors — John Shaqi
A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary AuthorsStewart, Donald Ogden
History
A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary Authors
Stewart, Donald Ogden
Parodies; United States -- History -- Humor
The Lieutenant--(Putting the photograph back in his pocket)--Yes very
beautiful. And (dropping his eyes)--I love her. If--if I should "go
west" I want you to write her and tell her that my last thoughts were of
my country and--her. We are to be married--after the war--if (suddenly
clearing his throat). Her name is Ellen Radcliff--here, I'll write the
address down for you.
He does so, and hands the slip of paper to the Professor's Son, who
discreetly turns away.
The Lieutenant--(Brusquely)--That's all, Keating.
A bugle sounds.
The Lieutenant--Attention men! At the next bugle call you go over the
top--remember that you are Americans and that Americans know how to
fight and die in the cause of liberty and for the freedom of the world.
The Three Soldiers--We are ready to make the supreme sacrifice if need
be.
The bugle sounds.
The Lieutenant--(Climbing up the ladder to the top of the
trench)--Follow me, men--
The Three Soldiers--(Climbing up after him)--Lafayette--we come, though
poppies bloom in Flanders field.
They go "over the top".
SCENE 3
A section of a Hun trench a minute later. Two Hun soldiers are
conversing together; another Hun is reading a copy of Nietzsche.
First Hun Soldier--And then we cut the hands off all the little
children--oh it was wonderful.
Second Hun Soldier--I wish I had been there.
A Hun Lieutenant rushes in.
The Hun Lieutenant--(Kicking the three men and brandishing his
revolver)--Swine--wake up--here come the Americans.
The three spring to their feet and seize their guns. At the top
of the trench appears the American lieutenant, closely followed by the
three soldiers.
The American Lieutenant--(Coolly)--We come to avenge the sinking of the
Lusitania.
The Hun Lieutenant--Hoch der Kaiser! Might is stronger than right!
He treacherously tries to shoot the American but the Professor's
Son disarms him with his bayonet. The three Hun soldiers offer a show of
resistance.
The Streetcleaner's Son--(To first Hun soldier)--Your hands are unclean
with the murder of innocent women and children.
First Hun Soldier--(Dropping his gun)--Kamerad!
The Pawnbroker's Son--(To the other Hun soldiers)--Prussianism has
destroyed the Germany of Bach and Beethoven and you fellows know it,
too.
Second and third Hun Soldiers--(Dropping their guns)--Kamerad!
The American Lieutenant--Men--you have kept the faith. I am proud of
you. Forward!
An explosion (not too loud to annoy the audience) is heard off
stage right.
The Professor's Son--(Sinking to the ground) Fellows, I'm afraid they've
got me.
The Streetcleaner's Son--What a shame!
The Lieutenant--Is there anything we can do to ease the pain?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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