A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary AuthorsStewart, Donald Ogden
History
A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary Authors
Stewart, Donald Ogden
Parodies; United States -- History -- Humor
It is early morning and the three soldiers mentioned in Scene 1 are
conversing together for perhaps the last time, for soon they are to be
given the chance which every American man desires more than anything in
the world--the opportunity to go "over the top".
The Professor's Son--Well fellows, in a few minutes we shall be able to
show the people at home that their boys are not cowards when the fate of
civilization is at stake.
The Pawnbroker's Son--Here's a newspaper clipping mother sent me. It's
from a speech made the other day in Congress. (He reads) "And we and our
children--and our children's children will never forget the debt we owe
those brave boys who are now in France."
The Streetcleaner's Son--That makes a fellow feel pretty good inside,
doesn't it? It makes me glad I'm doing my bit--and after the war I hope
the ideals which have inspired us all will make us better citizens in a
better world.
The Professor's Son--Not only will we be better citizens--not only will
the torch of liberty shine more brightly--but also each one of us will
go back to his job with a deeper vision.
The Pawnbroker's Son--That's right I am a musician--a pianist, you
know--and I hope that after the war I shall be able to tell America,
through my music, of the glory of this holy cause.
The Professor's Son--I didn't know you were a pianist.
The Pawnbroker's Son--Yes--ever since I was a boy--I have had no other
interest. My father tried to make me go into his shop but I couldn't
stand it. He got angry and refused to support me; I had a hard time
until I won a scholarship at a New York musical college. Just before the
war I had a chance to play the Schumann concerto with the Philharmonic;
the critics all said that in another year I would be--but fellows--you
must think me frightfully conceited to talk so, and besides what matters
my musical career in comparison with the sacrifice which everyone is
making?
The Streetcleaner's Son--And gladly making, too, for it is easy to give
up all, as did Joan of Arc, for France. Attention, men! here comes one
of our officers.
The three stand at attention.
Enter the Lieutenant.
The Lieutenant--Well, men, do you feel ready?
The Three--More than ready, sir--eager.
The Lieutenant--Brave men! (To the Professor's Son) Come here a minute,
Keating. I have something to ask you before we go over the top.
The Professor's Son and the Lieutenant go to one side.
The Lieutenant--(To the other two in a kindly manner)--At ease!
The Streetcleaner's Son--Thank you, sir.
They relax from their rigid posture of "attention".
The Lieutenant--(To the Professor's Son)--Keating, when we "go over",
we--may--never come back, you know. And I want to ask a favor of you.
I am engaged--to a girl back home--here is her picture (he draws a
photograph from his inner breast pocket and shows it to the Professor's
Son.)
The Professor's Son--She is beautiful, Sir.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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