A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary AuthorsStewart, Donald Ogden
History
A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary Authors
Stewart, Donald Ogden
Parodies; United States -- History -- Humor
The Landlady--Well Mr. Rosen I guess you know why I'm here--it's pay up
today or get out.
Jean--Please write it down--you know I cannot hear a word you say. I
suppose it's about the rent.
The landlady takes paper and pencil and writes.
The Landlady--(Reading over the result of her
labor)--"To-day--is--the--last day. If you can't pay, you must get out."
She hands it to Jean and he reads.
Jean--But I cannot pay. Next week perhaps I shall get work--
The Landlady--(Scornfully)--Yes--Next week maybe I have to sell another
liberty bond for seventy dollars what I paid a hundred dollars for, too.
No sir I need the money NOW. Here--
She writes and hands it to him.
Jean (Reading)--Sell my piano? But please I cannot do that--yet.
The Landlady--A lot of good a piano does a deef person like you. That's
a good one--( She laughs harshly). The deef musician--ho ho--with a
piano.
Jean--Madam, I shall pay you surely next week. There has been some delay
in my war risk insurance payment. I should think that you would trust a
soldier who lost his hearing in the trenches--
The Landlady--That's old stuff. You soldiers think just because you
were unlucky enough to get drafted you can spend the rest of your
life patting yourselves on the back. Besides--what good did the war do
anyway--except make a lot of rich people richer?
She scribbles emphatically "Either you pay up tonight or out you go."
Handing this to Jean with a flourish, she exits.
He sits on the bed for a long time.
Finally he glances up at the wall over his bed where hangs a cheap photo
frame. In the center is a picture of President Wilson; on one side of
this is a crude print of a soldier, on the other side a sailor; above is
the inscription "For the Freedom of the World."
Jean takes down the picture and looks at it. As he replaces it on the
wall he sees hanging above it the bayonet which he had carried through
the war. He slowly takes the weapon down, runs his fingers along the
edge and smiles--a quiet tired smile which does not leave his face
during the rest of the scene.
He walks over to the piano and plays the opening chords of the Schumann
concerto. Then shaking his head sadly, he tenderly closes down the lid
and locks it.
He next writes a note which he folds and places, with the key to the
piano, in an envelope. Sealing and addressing the envelope, he places
it on the piano. Then, walking over to the bed, he picks up the bayonet,
and shutting his eyes for an instant, he steps forward and cuts his
throat as the curtain falls.
SCENE 3
Same as Act 1, Scene 1 except for the changes made in the city
street by a year or more of peace.
The arch across the thoroughfare still stands, although it has become
badly discolored and dirty; the inscription "For the Freedom of the
World" is but faintly visible. As the curtain rises workmen are busy at
work tearing the arch down.
Enter the Angel and the Professor's Son.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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