With Aunt Agnes, on the other hand, my relations were more friendly than
they had ever been before. Experience had taught me that long
conversations with her were not advisable, but I was able to test the
thermometer of her feelings toward me in other ways. She had begun to
send me books and pamphlets, relating to various abstract theories in
which she was interested; and once or twice she read to me articles in
manuscript of her own composition, and asked my opinion of their merit.
Occasionally, too, she paid a visit to the rooms of the Society; and I
shall never forget the expression of satisfaction that flickered over
her severe face at seeing me, for the first time, at my desk. From that
day, a general softening of her attitude toward me began.
But happy and absorbed as I was in this great interest, I was never
quite without a feeling that my father might not be pleased, did he know
of my fast-growing intention to devote the energies of my life to it. He
was more busy than ever down town, and for weeks at a time would seem
scarcely aware of my existence. His questions at dinner regarding my
doings were rarely more definite than to ask how I had spent the day, to
which any reply seemed to be satisfactory. I usually said that I had
been studying; and had it not been for his quiet habit of observation,
with which I was now acquainted, I should have imagined that it went in
at one ear and out at the other. I never volunteered to tell him the
character of my studies; but though he never made inquiries, I had a
secret impression that he knew far more than was apparent of the use I
made of my time. Nevertheless, the year passed without his showing any
signs of disapproval. I was so bold even as to invite Paul Barr once or
twice to dinner, when I felt that he needed the moral tonic of a
glimpse of home life to fortify his good resolutions. So, too, I did not
hesitate to practise in my daily mode of living some of the doctrines to
which I held most firmly,--such as early hours of rising and going to
bed, temperate diet and simplicity of raiment; but as it was just as
incumbent upon me to avoid the other extreme, the changes were not
sufficiently marked to excite attention.
The traveller who looks back at night upon a highway sees a long trail
of shadow, broken at recurring intervals by the blaze of lamps. Such is
the effect of life in retrospect. Much of that which we remember
concerning the past is vague and dim, yet here and there along the road
some incident stands out which explains and illumines what follows and
precedes.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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