AE in the Irish TheosophistRussell, George William
Religion
AE in the Irish Theosophist
Russell, George William
Theosophy
"Olive," he said tremulously, "as I came down the lanes to say good-bye
to you my heart rebelled. I could not bear the thought: Olive, I
have learned so many things from you; your words have meant so much
to me that I have taken them as the words of God. Before I knew
you I shrank from pain; I wandered in search of a false beauty.
I see now the purpose of life--to carry on the old heroic battle
for the true; to give the consolation of beauty to suffering;
to become so pure that through us may pass that divine pity which
I never knew until you spoke, and I then saw it was the root of
all life, and there was nothing behind it--such magic your words
have. My heart was glad this morning for you at this truth, and
I saw in it the power which would transfigure the earth. Yet all
this hope has come to me through you; I half hold it still through
you. To part from you now--it seems to me would be like turning
away from the guardian of the heavenly gateway. I know I have but
little to bring you. I must make all my plea how much you are to
me when I ask can you love me."
She had hardly heard a word of all he said. She was only conscious
that he was speaking of love. What love? Had he not written of it?
It would have emptied Heaven into the pit. She turned and faced him,
speaking coldly and deliberately:
"You could speak of love to me, and write and think of it like this!"
She placed her hand on the unfortunate magazines. Harvey followed
the movement of her arm. He took the papers up, then suddenly saw
all as she turned and walked away,--what the passion of these poems
must have seemed to her. What had he been in her presence that
could teach her otherwise? Only a doubter and questioner. In a
dreadful moment his past rose up before him, dreamy, weak, sensual.
His conscience smote him through and through. He could find no
word to say. Self-condemned, he moved blindly to the gate and went
out. He hardly knew what he was doing. Before him the pale dry
road wound its way into the twilight amid the hedges and cottages.
Phantasmal children came and went. There seemed some madness in
all they were doing. Why did he not hear their voices? They ran
round and round; there should have been cries or laughter or some
such thing. Then suddenly something seemed to push him forward,
and he went on blankly and walked down the lane. In that tragic
moment his soul seemed to have deserted him, leaving only a half-
animal consciousness. With dull attention he wondered at the muffled
sound of his feet upon the dusty road, and the little puffs of smoke
that shot out before them. Every now and then something would throb
fiercely for an instant and be subdued. He went on and on. His
path lay across some fields. He stopped by force of habit and
turned aside from the road. Again the same fierce throb. In a
wild instant he struggled for recollection and self-mastery, and
then the smothered soul rushed out of the clouds that oppressed it.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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