Recent Recruit—“Well, sir—yes. But you know what these servant gals are!” THE GERMANS ABASHED A British naval officer, home on short leave, told a North Sea story. “We had taken some prisoners aboard, three of them officers; one of their torpedoes had missed us by nearly ten feet. “We made the officers as comfortable as we could, gave them food and drink, and talked about ordinary general matters; hardly a word was said about the fight. “The Germans seemed ill at ease, suspicious. At last one of them said, ‘We don’t understand you treating us like this. We tried to torpedo you.’ “‘Oh, that’s all right; that’s over now,’ said a navigating lieutenant, handing him a cigarette. “‘We’d like to show you that we appreciate your goodness,’ went on the German. “There was a long pause. Then the lieutenant burst in with great cheerfulness, ‘Well, sing us the “Hymn of Hate.”’ “That was one of the rare moments when I have seen German officers look abashed.” LOCATING PROGRESS As a young man was walking along reading the evening newspaper he was accosted by an old lady who seemed interested in the war. “Any news from the front, young man?” she exclaimed. “Not much,” he replied. “Big battle in progress.” “Well, thank heaven,” she said, “that it’s not in Belgium, where my poor Johnnie is gone.” HOW I ESCAPED FROM BERLIN Supposed to Be Written by Mrs. Malaprop ’Tis very easy to ask me for an account of my escape from Berlin, but when one has been hustled and fluted and prosecuted as I have, it is a wonder that one’s brain is not totally disinterred. However, in spite of my adventitious experiments, I am still, thank heaven! _compote mentis_, and can give a strictly voracious prescription of my sufferings. Like Othello, I will “nothing exterminate, nor set up aught in malice.” You may require what I was doing in the great Prussian necropolis. The fact is that after the fatigues of the season I found myself somewhat interposed. I am the last person to give way to a fit of the vapors, but my enemy, the gout, had made such invidious advances and become so chromatic that I was advised to go and reciprocate under the care of a prominent Berlin physician. Despite the diversion which I naturally feel for all Germans, I must admit that his treatment and regiment proved beneficent—though his fees were exuberant—and I was rapidly recovering when the declaration of war burst upon us like a cataplasm. Berlin was at once in a state of convolution. The streets were crowded with people in a very succulent humor, waving flags, singing typical songs, and shouting remarks which deluded recognition, as my knowledge of the language is merely superfluous. Any attempt at leaving the house was not only fertile but periculous, as Englishmen were subjugated to various forms of contumacy, either because the police were useless or with their secret contrivance.