A lady, very much afflicted with nervous complaints, went to consult the celebrated surgeon, Mr. Abernethy. The rough and caustic manner in which he catechised her, so discomposed the fair one’s weak spirits, that she was thrown into a fit of hysterics. On parting, she put the usual fee into his hand, in the form of a one pound note and a shilling. Mr. Abernethy pocketed the note with one hand, and with the other presented the shilling to her, saying, gravely, “Here, madam, take the shilling; go to the next toy-shop, buy a skipping-rope, and use it every day; it will do you more good than all my prescriptions!” INESTIMABLE VALUE OF A TAIL. A monkey-faced fellow offered himself to Garrick as an actor. “It will not do,” says Garrick; “but if you had a tail, no money should part us.” TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT. One meeting an acquaintance, who was a printer by profession, inquired of him, “If it was true Mr.---- had put a period to his existence?” “No, no,” replied the typographer, “he had only put a colon, for he is now in a fair way of recovery.” STOCK-JOBBERS. A carpenter in Dorsetshire was employed to make a pair of stocks for the parish, for which he charged a good round sum. One of the parochial officers said, “You have made a good deal by that job.” “Yes,” said Master Chip, “we stock-jobbers always attend to our own interest.” COURAGE. A man, in the habit of travelling, complaining to his friend that he had often been robbed, and was afraid of stirring abroad, was advised to carry pistols with him on his journey. “Oh! that would be worse,” replied the hero, “the thieves would rob me of them also.” GAME. Lee Lewis, shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him violently: “I allow no person,” said he, “to kill game on my manor but myself, and I’ll shoot you, if you come here again.” “What,” said the other, “I suppose you mean to make game of me.” SHORT DAYS AND LONG NIGHTS. Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of conviviality; which frequently led him to spend the whole night in company, and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation having waited on him before he had arisen, began to read him a familiar lecture on prudence, which she concluded by saying, “Ah! Bonnel, Bonnel! I see plainly that you’ll _shorten your days_.” “Very true, madam,” replied he, “but, by the same rule, you must admit that I shall _lengthen my nights_.” DR. PARR. Dr. Parr was not very delicate in the choice of his expressions, when heated by argument or contradiction. He once called a clergyman _a fool_, who, indeed, was little better. The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to the bishop. “Do,” said the doctor, “and my Lord Bishop will _confirm_ you.” A FAULT IN CANDLES.