Dorn drank wine from his glass. Anna, dancing with a plump, laughing
stranger, flitted through the distance. A deeper turning over of iron in
his heart at the glimpse of her. The scene no longer could divert him.
The thought of Anna dropped like a curtain upon a picture. What could he
do? What? At night he grew sick lying beside her. It wasn't conscience.
There was nothing wrong about loving someone else. But there was an
uncanniness about it. Lying beside a woman who didn't know what was in
his mind. He would lie thinking, "Oh, Rachel, I love Rachel," repeating
almost idiotic love words for Rachel in his mind. And Anna would smile
patiently at him, unaware. That was the most intolerable thing. The fact
she didn't know. And also the fact that he must remain inarticulate. He
must sit with his heart choking him and his head in a blaze, and keep
stuffing words back down his throat. Through the day he tormented
himself with the thought, "I must tell her. I can't keep this thing up
any longer." But when he saw her it was impossible to tell her. A single
phrase would end it. He held the phrase on his lips--as if it were a
knife balanced over Anna's heart. "I love Rachel." That would end it.
But it was impossible. He couldn't say it. Why? He sat, trying to get a
glimpse of her dancing again and tried to avoid answering himself. It
was something he mustn't answer. He must get away from his damned
thought. His eyes fastened themselves upon the fountain in the center of
the room. It was Anna that tormented him, not Rachel. Anna ... Anna....
The tension broke. He was looking at the fountain surmounted by a marble
nude crouched in a posture of surprise; probably disturbed by her
nudity. It was necessary for nudity to be disturbed by itself. Did
virgins eyeing themselves in mirrors blush with shame? Unquestionably.
The nude peered into the water of a large tiled basin. A gush of water
over her managed to veil her unsuccessfully in an endless spray. Water
filled the air with an odorless spice.
" ... the first blow will come out of Russia, Dorn. The Russians have
not been side-tracked into the phantasms of democracy. They still think
straight. Civilization hasn't crippled them with phrases. They are still
what you would call biological. And dreams live in them. Yes, I know
what you'll say ... heavy dreams. But here in America there are no
dreams--yet. Nothing but paper. Paper thoughts. Paper morals. Everything
paper. Russia will send out fire to burn up this paper. Destroy it.
Leave nothing behind--not even ashes."
True enough. Why answer it? But what difference did it make if paper
burned? Was man after all a creature consecrated to institutions, doomed
to expend himself upon institutions? A hundred million nervous systems,
each capable of ecstasies and torments, devoting themselves to the
business of political brick-laying. Always yowling about new bricks.
Politics--a deformity of the imagination; a game of tiddledy-winks
played with guns and souls.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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