He values my understanding and talents more highly than my heart, but I
am proud of the latter only. It is the sole source of everything,--of
our strength, happiness, and misery. All the knowledge I possess every
one else can acquire, but my heart is exclusively my own.
May 25.
I have had a plan in my head of which I did not intend to speak to you
until it was accomplished: now that it has failed, I may as well
mention it. I wished to enter the army, and had long been desirous of
taking the step. This, indeed, was the chief reason for my coming here
with the prince, as he is a general ---- in the service. I communicated
my design to him during one of our walks together. He disapproved of
it, and it would have been actual madness not to have listened to his
reasons.
June 11.
Say what you will, I can remain here no longer. Why should I remain?
Time hangs heavy upon my hands. The prince is as gracious to me as any
one could be, and yet I am not at my ease. There is, indeed, nothing in
common between us. He is a man of understanding, but quite of the
ordinary kind. His conversation affords me no more amusement than I
should derive from the perusal of a well-written book. I shall remain
here a week longer, and then start again on my travels. My drawings are
the best things I have done since I came here. The prince has a taste
for the arts, and would improve if his mind were not fettered by cold
rules and mere technical ideas. I often lose patience, when, with a
glowing imagination, I am giving expression to art and nature, he
interferes with learned suggestions, and uses at random the technical
phraseology of artists.
July 16.
Once more I am a wanderer, a pilgrim, through the world. But what else
are you!
July 18.
Whither am I going? I will tell you in confidence. I am obliged to
continue a fortnight longer here, and then I think it would be better
for me to visit the mines in ----. But I am only deluding myself thus.
The fact is, I wish to be near Charlotte again,--that is all. I smile
at the suggestions of my heart, and obey its dictates.
July 29.
No, no! it is yet well--all is well! I her husband! O God, who gave
me being, if thou hadst destined this happiness for me, my whole
life would have been one continual thanksgiving! But I will not
murmur,--forgive these tears, forgive these fruitless wishes. She--my
wife! Oh, the very thought of folding that dearest of Heaven's
creatures in my arms! Dear Wilhelm, my whole frame feels convulsed when
I see Albert put his arms round her slender waist!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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