Hey Rub-a-dub-dub: A Book of the Mystery and Wonder and Terror of LifeDreiser, Theodore
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Hey Rub-a-dub-dub: A Book of the Mystery and Wonder and Terror of Life
Dreiser, Theodore
American essays -- 20th century
(_Who has twisted himself about until he has one hand under him in a
most painful position._) Oh, God, I’m shot! And now I’ll die! This whole
scene, real or not real, will pass away and I will never know--or will
I? And yet once I was a man, and it was good to be alive. Oh! Oh! Oh!
(_He weeps and sinks down. A powerful clap of thunder half arouses him.
The knocking of Patsy Laferty becomes dimly audible, a cross between the
clatter of musketry and a knock. He stares at the soldiers, some of whom
seem already to be growing thin and wavering._) Dying! Alas! I’m dying!
Never will I see this wonderful world any more! (_He partially wakes._)
Or will I? What’s this--I’m not dying, after all! They’re not real! I’m
only dreaming. How astonishing! (_To the dream soldiers, defiantly._)
You’re not real, after all. You’re mere shadows, thin air. I’m dying,
but you’re not real. This house isn’t real. It couldn’t have holes in it
if it were, or at least I couldn’t have seen through it in the first
place if it hadn’t. You’re shadows, tissues of nothing, a mere fancy of
the brain. Oh, wonderful!
FIRST DREAM OFFICER
(_Standing by the cannon._) Are we? Well, you’re a fool! Wait! You may
be waking into another state, but you’ll be dead to this one. But we
won’t. Ha! Ha! We’ll still be here, alive. (_To the second dream
soldier._) He thinks he’s not real. He thinks we’re not real. He thinks
he’s not going to die, but wake up into something else! Ha! Ha! (_They
look at each other in a strange, fading, unreal way._) When he passes
out of this won’t he be dead to this, though?
THE PROFESSOR
(_Amazedly._) What is this? Am I dying, or waking up? Which is it? Are
there various worlds, one within another? Are those soldiers really
real? Great heavens! How strange! I am waking up, and yet this world in
which I am is real enough. I died there. I certainly did, or I am dying
there. (_The house begins to dissolve like smoke; the trees can be seen
through the bodies of the soldiers._)
PATSY LAFERTY
(_At the door._) I’ll give dis guy one more spin an’ den I’ll quit. I
ain’t gonna stand here all night, rain or no rain. Clump! Clump! Clump!
(_He kicks with his heel at the same time that he rings._)
THE PROFESSOR
(_Bounding out of bed._) Oh, blessed heaven! What is that? I’m not dead,
after all! I am really alive! It was a dream, all of it. How glad I am
to be awake! (_He reaches for his trousers._) But those soldiers! They
argued with me about it! They did! They made fun of me! Isn’t that
amazing! This dream is a call to me to seek out this mystery. If ever I
get money enough to do it that is certainly what I will do. I shall
devote all my life to solving this mystery. If only I could find
somebody who would endow a laboratory for this purpose. (_He pauses and
stares, as the bell whirrs._) Yes, yes! I’m coming! (_He bustles
downstairs, turning up the light as he goes._)
PATSY LAFERTY
(_Irritably, as the door is opened._) Syphers?
THE PROFESSOR
Yes.
PATSY LAFERTY
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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