Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II
General
Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II
American wit and humor
"It looks that way, ma'am, but really it ain't," replied the girl.
"It seemed to me as if it would be a mercy to both of 'em to have the
thing settled. So I cleared away a place in front of the woodshed and
unchained Lord Edward, and then I opened the kitchen door and called
the bull. Out he came, with his teeth a-showin', and his bloodshot
eyes, and his crooked front legs. Like lightnin' from the mount'in
blast, he made one bounce for the big dog, and oh! what a fight there
was! They rolled, they gnashed, they knocked over the wood-horse and
sent chips a-flyin' all ways at onst. I thought Lord Edward would whip
in a minute or two; but he didn't, for the bull stuck to him like a
burr, and they was havin' it, ground and lofty, when I hears some
one run up behind me, an' turnin' quick, there was the 'piscopalian
minister. 'My! my! my!' he hollers, 'what an awful spectacle! Ain't
there no way of stoppin' it?' 'No, sir,' says I, and I told him how I
didn't want to stop it and the reason why. 'Then,' says he, 'where's
your master?' and I told him how you was away. 'Isn't there any man at
all about?' says he. 'No,' says I. 'Then,' says he, 'if there's nobody
else to stop it, I must do it myself.' An' he took off his coat. 'No,'
says I, 'you keep back, sir. If there's anybody to plunge into that
erena, the blood be mine;' an' I put my hand, without thinkin', ag'in
his black shirt-bosom, to hold him back; but he didn't notice, bein'
so excited. 'Now,' says I, jist wait one minute, and you'll see that
bull's tail go between his legs. He's weakenin'.' An' sure enough, Lord
Edward got a good grab at him, and was a-shakin' the very life out of
him, when I run up and took Lord Edward by the collar. 'Drop it!' says
I; an' he dropped it, for he know'd he'd whipped, and he was pretty
tired hisself. Then the bulldog, he trotted off with his tail a-hangin'
down. 'Now, then,' says I, 'them dogs will be bosom friends forever
after this.' 'Ah, me!' says he, 'I'm sorry indeed that your employer,
for whom I've always had a great respect, should allow you to get into
such bad habits.'
"That made me feel real bad, and I told him, mighty quick, that you was
the last man in the world to let me do anything like that, and that if
you'd a-been here you'd a-separated them dogs if they'd a-chawed your
arms off; that you was very particular about such things, and that it
would be a pity if he was to think you was a dog-fightin' gentleman,
when I'd often heard you say that, now you was fixed and settled, the
one thing you would like most would be to be made a vestry-man."
I sat up straight in my chair.
"Pomona!" I exclaimed. "You didn't tell him that?"
"That's what I said, sir, for I wanted him to know what you really
was; an' he says, 'Well, well, I never knew that. It might be a very
good thing. I'll speak to some of the members about it. There's two
vacancies now in our vestry.'"
I was crushed; but Euphemia tried to put the matter into the brightest
light.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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