“April 10th, 1807. This day I have completed my thirtieth year. I have been reviewing my birth-day memoranda, and I feel quite abased. Alas! where is the blessedness I experienced some time back; or was I then under a mistake as to my real state? I suspect that much of animal feeling mixed with my former experience, for I think my soul is as fixed as ever, in knowing nothing upon earth but ‘Jesus Christ and him crucified.’ Yet, O my God (for mine thou art) search me! The Lord’s mercies to me are innumerable: if I should attempt to number them, they exceed the minutes of my existence; but alas! my heart is insensible; my affections are as cold as ice: I am become a stone to the fear of death; and the terror of the Lord, rather than the sweet love of Jesus Christ, seems to constrain all my doings. There is not a desire, I think, to keep back a tittle of God’s word. I even feel the time long till the Lord’s day returns, that I may have an opportunity of warning poor sinners: yet when it comes my heart is heavy; and I go with a kind of sullenness and desponding tardiness to God’s work. O that it were with me as in months past! The Lord has marvellously hid me from the strife of tongues, has wonderfully supported my feeble mind, has enabled me to seek the salvation of souls with a boldness unusual to my nature; and has given testimony to the word of His grace in this place. He supports me in solitude, and enables me to spend days alone without weariness: praised be His name! The undivided and glorious Trinity are worthy of my adoration and love. O rather let me go mourning thy absence to the grave than attempt to satisfy my soul with contemptible trash! Yet, in thy manifold mercies, let me taste thy love, and praise thee in the use of all that thou bestowest! The prosperity of Zion is my earnest desire: the conversion of the British and the heathen, the success of my preaching, schools, and private attempts [to do good] are the subjects of my daily prayer. O that the Lord would bless these feeble efforts, would perfect that which belongeth unto me! Into thy hands, O Lord, I commend my soul and body: and look with humble hope to be kept by thy power through faith unto salvation. “Martyn alarms me by expressing a wish for my removal.[35] I feel very reluctant to it; and am enabled to resign myself to God in prayer, even to die here; if, in this way, He will be more glorified. “April 12th. This evening, I buried the native woman whom I lately baptized; and spoke to the people from 1 Cor. xv. 33. ‘Evil communications corrupt good manners.’ O Lord, grant thy blessing! Let thy promise come, and then shall sinners in great numbers be converted unto thee!”