Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
"Gone clean off his castors. I found him at seven o'clock this morning
sitting on a second-floor window sill. He said he'd got up at
five-thirty to look for swallows' nests."
"Bad," said Mr. Fish, shaking his head with even more than his usual
solemnity. "Second-floor window sill, did you say?"
"Second-floor window sill."
"Exactly how my aunt started," said Ronnie Fish.
"They found her sitting on the roof of the stables, playing the ukulele
in a blue dressing gown. She said she was Boadicea. And she wasn't.
That's the point, old boy," said Mr. Fish earnestly. "She wasn't. We
must get you out of this as quickly as possible, or before you know
where you are you'll find yourself being murdered in your bed. It's
this living in the country that does it. Six consecutive months in the
country is enough to sap the intellect of anyone. Looking for swallows'
nests, was he?"
"So he said. And swallows don't nest in July. They nest in April."
Mr. Fish nodded.
"That's how I always heard the story," he agreed. "The whole thing
looks very black to me, and the sooner you're safe out of this and in
London, the better."
IV
At about the same moment, Mr. Carmody was in earnest conference with
Mr. Molloy.
"That man you were telling me about," said Mr. Carmody. "That friend of
yours who you said would help us."
"Chimp?"
"I believe you referred to him as Chimp. How soon could you get in
touch with him?"
"Right away, brother."
Mr. Carmody objected to being called brother, but this was no time for
being finicky.
"Send for him at once."
"Why, have you given up the idea of getting that stuff out of the house
yourself?"
"Entirely," said Mr. Carmody. He shuddered slightly. "I have been
thinking the matter over very carefully, and I feel that this is an
affair where we require the services of some third party. Where is this
friend of yours? In London?"
"No. He's right around the corner. His name's Twist. He runs a sort of
health-farm place only a few miles from here."
"God bless my soul! Healthward Ho?"
"That's the spot. Do you know it?"
"Why, I have only just returned from there."
Mr. Molloy was conscious of a feeling of almost incredulous awe. It
was the sort of feeling which would come to a man who saw miracles
happening all around him. He could hardly believe that things could
possibly run as smoothly as they appeared to be doing. He had
anticipated a certain amount of difficulty in selling Chimp Twist to
Mr. Carmody, as he phrased it to himself, and had looked forward with
not a little apprehension to a searching inquisition into Chimp Twist's
_bona fides_. And now, it seemed, Mr. Carmody knew Chimp personally and
was, no doubt, prepared to receive him without a question. Could luck
like this hold? That was the only thought that disturbed Mr. Molloy.
"Well, isn't that interesting!" he said slowly. "So you know my old
friend Twist, do you?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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