My Double Life: The Memoirs of Sarah BernhardtBernhardt, Sarah
General
My Double Life: The Memoirs of Sarah Bernhardt
Bernhardt, Sarah
Actors -- France -- Biography; Bernhardt, Sarah, 1844-1923
“Ask your mother. But listen to me now, for it is not a question of
that. You must marry. Your mother has a small income which your father
left her, but this income comes from the profits of the manufactory,
which belongs to your grandmother, and she cannot bear your mother, who
will therefore lose that income, and then she will have nothing, and
three children on her hands. It is that accursed lawyer who is arranging
all this. The whys and wherefores would take too long to explain. Your
father managed his business affairs very badly. You must marry,
therefore, if not for your own sake, for the sake of your mother and
sisters. You can then give your mother the hundred thousand francs your
father left you, which no one else can touch. Monsieur Bed—— will settle
three hundred thousand francs on you. I have arranged everything, so
that you can give this to your mother if you like, and with four hundred
thousand francs she will be able to live very well.”
I cried and sobbed, and asked to have time to think it over. I found my
mother in the dining-room.
“Has your godfather told you?” she asked gently, in rather a timid way.
“Yes, mother, yes; he has told me. Let me think it over, will you?” I
said, sobbing; as I kissed her neck lingeringly. I then locked myself in
my bedroom, and for the first time for many days I regretted my convent.
All my childhood rose up before me, and I cried more and more, and felt
so unhappy that I wished I could die. Gradually, however, I began to get
calm again, and realised what had happened and what my godfather’s words
meant. Most decidedly I did not want to marry this man. Since I had been
at the Conservatoire I had learnt a few things vaguely, very vaguely,
for I was never alone, but I understood enough to make me not want to
marry without being in love. I was, however, destined to be attacked in
a quarter from which I should not have expected it. Madame Guérard asked
me to go up to her room to see the embroidery she was doing on a frame
for my mother’s birthday.
My astonishment was great to find M. Bed—— there. He begged me to change
my mind. He made me very wretched, for he pleaded with tears in his
eyes.
“Do you want a larger marriage settlement?” he asked. “I would make it
five hundred thousand francs.”
But it was not that at all, and I said in a very low voice, “I do not
love you, Monsieur.”
“If you do not marry me, Mademoiselle,” he said, “I shall die of grief.”
I looked at him, and repeated to myself the words “die of grief.” I was
embarrassed and desperate, but at the same time delighted, for he loved
me just as a man does in a play. Phrases that I had read or heard came
to my mind vaguely, and I repeated them without any real conviction, and
then left him without the slightest coquetry.
M. Bed—— did not die. He is still living, and has a very important
financial position. He is much nicer now than when he was so black, for
at present he is quite white.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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