"My sarvice to you, marm--if you please, to two penn'orth of pigtail and a paper of shorts." "Much obliged to you, Mr. Saunders," replied she. "Sure we're much indebted to Admiral Lord Nelson for sending us such fine-looking pensioners. I shouldn't wonder if I were to choose a husband out of the hospital yet." "I'm afeard we're all too mauled, marm, to suit a pretty young woman like you," replied my father, very gallantly. "Thank you for that, Mr. Saunders; but you're mistaken entirely. I don't consider the loss of a leg, for instance, as anything; I never look at men's legs, and therefore care little whether they are made of wood or not, provided they don't tread on my corns." "Well, marm, I'm glad that you don't consider a timber toe as any obstacle to matrimony; but, I fear, having a wife already may be considered by you a sort of objection." "Why, sure, I must have the whole of my husband; I couldn't afford to share him, especially when one limb is gone already. That puts me in mind of my want of manners. I hope Mrs. Saunders is quite well. I hear from Jack that you have a separate maintenance--that's very genteel." "Why, yes, marm," replied my father; "the King maintains me, and my wife maintains herself; so, as you say, we have a separate maintenance." "Well, that's the best way when married people don't agree. What are you laughing at, Mr. Jack? did I hint that your father and mother ever had any little matrimonial differences? I certainly did hear that there was a trifling dispute when they last parted; but when they bring me such tales I always _cut them short_. Here's your _pigtail_, Mr. Saunders," continued the widow, laughing, as she put the tobacco on the counter. I looked at my father, who did not seem to relish the hint, but he answered very frankly, "If you cut them as short as my wife cut mine, why, then you won't be troubled with them any more. I see, marm, you know all about it, and you may have your laugh if it pleases you; but I can tell you that my tail has done me better sarvice since it was off than when it hung down my back." "Become useful, instead of ornamental, I presume, Mr. Saunders." "Just made this difference--when it was on it made my wife's tongue to go; now it is off, it has stopped it." "An extraordinary powerful instrument, to stop a woman's tongue!" "Well, you've only to ax Mistress Saunders, she'll tell you all its virtues." "Well, Mr. Saunders, I don't know whether you have any idea of taking another wife some future day. If so, say nothing about it, or you'll never get one." "Well, marm--I don't know whether you ever think of taking another husband; but if so, I think it would be kind on my part to lend it to him. Can you tell me why widows' tongues run so much faster than other women's?" "Mercy! what put that idea in your head, Mr. Saunders?"