Psmith in the CityWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Psmith in the City
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories
Psmith, as pugilist, lacked something of the calm majesty which
characterized him in the more peaceful moments of life, but he was
undoubtedly effective. Nature had given him an enormous reach and a
lightness on his feet remarkable in one of his size; and at some time
in his career he appeared to have learned how to use his hands. The
first of the three runners, the walking-stick manipulator, had the
misfortune to charge straight into the old Etonian's left. It was a
well-timed blow, and the force of it, added to the speed at which the
victim was running, sent him on to the pavement, where he spun round
and sat down. In the subsequent proceedings he took no part.
The other two attacked Psmith simultaneously, one on each side. In
doing so, the one on the left tripped over Mike and Bill, who were
still in the process of sorting themselves out, and fell, leaving
Psmith free to attend to the other. He was a tall, weedy youth. His
conspicuous features were a long nose and a light yellow waistcoat.
Psmith hit him on the former with his left and on the latter with his
right. The long youth emitted a gurgle, and collided with Bill, who had
wrenched himself free from Mike and staggered to his feet. Bill, having
received a second blow in the eye during the course of his interview on
the road with Mike, was not feeling himself. Mistaking the other for an
enemy, he proceeded to smite him in the parts about the jaw. He had
just upset him, when a stern official voice observed, ''Ere, now,
what's all this?'
There is no more unfailing corrective to a scene of strife than the
'What's all this?' of the London policeman. Bill abandoned his
intention of stamping on the prostrate one, and the latter, sitting up,
blinked and was silent.
'What's all this?' asked the policeman again. Psmith, adjusting his hat
at the correct angle again, undertook the explanations.
'A distressing scene, officer,' he said. 'A case of that unbridled
brawling which is, alas, but too common in our London streets. These
two, possibly till now the closest friends, fall out over some point,
probably of the most trivial nature, and what happens? They brawl.
They--'
'He 'it me,' said the long youth, dabbing at his face with a
handkerchief and pointing an accusing finger at Psmith, who regarded
him through his eyeglass with a look in which pity and censure were
nicely blended.
Bill, meanwhile, circling round restlessly, in the apparent hope of
getting past the Law and having another encounter with Mike, expressed
himself in a stream of language which drew stern reproof from the
shocked constable.
'You 'op it,' concluded the man in blue. 'That's what you do. You 'op
it.'
'I should,' said Psmith kindly. 'The officer is speaking in your best
interests. A man of taste and discernment, he knows what is best. His
advice is good, and should be followed.'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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