Baines, Scattergood (Fictitious character) -- Fiction; New England -- Fiction
Again the deacon found his voice, and his words were to the general
effect that the blame swizzled, ornery, ill-sired, and regrettably
reared pew-gags had, in defiance of law and order, stolen and made away
with his leg--and what was he to do?
"Deacon, you can't go like that. If this story got into the meetin' it
would do fer you. You'd git laughed out. Them Congregationalists 'u'd
win. You got to have a sound leg to travel on, and I don't see but one
way to git it."
"How's that?"
"Call in young Parson Hooper and make him force them adherents of hisn
to give it up."
Scattergood did not wait for the permission he surmised would not be
given, but sent word for Jason Hooper, who came, saw, and was most
remarkably astonished.
"Parson," said Scattergood, "this here outrage is onendurable. Some of
you Congregationers done it, and stole his other leg. As leader of your
flock and a honest man, it's your bounden duty to git it back."
"But I--I know nothing about it. What can I do? I--There isn't a thing
you can do."
"Deacon," said Scattergood, "there hain't a soul in the world can git
back your leg in time but this young man. Maybe he don't know he kin do
it, but he kin. Hain't you got no offer to make?"
The parson started to say something, but Scattergood silenced him with a
waggle of the head.
"I got to git to that meetin'," bellowed the deacon. "There hain't
nothin' in the world I wouldn't give to git there, and git there whole
and hearty, and so's not to be laughed at."
"Remind you of any leetle want of yourn?" asked Scattergood. He took the
young man aside and whispered to him.
"Deacon," he said, presently, "Parson Hooper says as how he don't see no
reason for interferin' and helpin' his enemy." The parson had said
nothing of the sort. "But I kin see a reason, Deacon. If this here young
man was a member of your family, so to speak, and was related to you
clost by ties of love and marriage, I don't see how he'd have a right
to hold his hand.... Want this man's daughter f'r your wedded wife,
don't you?"
"Yes," said the parson, faintly.
"Hear that, Deacon? Hear that?"
"Never, by the hornswoggled whale that swallered Jonah."
"Meetin's about to start," said Scattergood, looking at his watch.
The deacon sweated and bellowed, but Scattergood adroitly waved the red
flag of animosity before his eyes, and pictured black ruin and
defeat--until the deacon was ready to surrender life itself.
"Git me my leg," he shouted, "and you kin have anythin'.... Git me my
leg."
"Is it a promise, Deacon? Calculate it's a promise?"
"I promise. I promise, solemn."
Scattergood whispered again in the pastor's ear, who stuttered and
flushed and choked, and hurried out of the room, presently to reappear
with the deacon's spare leg.
"Now, young feller, make your preparations for that there weddin'....
Scoot."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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