“That is how man came to lose his tail, for contrary to report, Darwin did not give man a tail but took one away; contrary also to the authorized version, woman was made out of man’s tail and not from his rib. Kipling little knew how apt was his descriptive tag, for the tail consisted of a bone covered with a hank of hair and the dinosaur supplied the rag by tying a tin can to Adam’s tail. Thus man evolved like the tadpole, which does not have to hire George Washington to do the woodsman stunt, as Nature arranges for the chopping off of its tail at the accepted time. What Nature does for the tadpole, Dr. Darwin did for man. But he bungled the job and cut the tail off too short. That’s the reason appendicitis is prevalent to-day. “And when Darwin looked on the woman he forgot his grammar and broke out into superlatives without the justification of the rule of three: ‘This is the most barbarous cut of all.’ “For this unkind reflection on her Marcel Wave and also for the reason that Mr. Darwin spared her costume but not her modesty, Eve condemned man to wear clothes for all time. “And as the evening and the morning were the sixth day, Darwin called to the woman: ‘This man thou shalt call Adam, surnamed Smith.’ Likewise to the man he said: ‘Whilst thou lovest this woman, her name shall be called Evelyn and her children shall be called the daughters of Evelyn, but when thy love groweth cold like the night, she shall be thy Eve. As the first parents, so shall be all posterity.’ “And as he spoke so was it. Man’s love was as brief as the life of last year’s calendar, and ever since the year one, women have been called the daughters of Eve. “Thus is fulfilled the prophecy of Darwin, as interpreted by the firstborn of the earth, Cain Smythe of Eden.” WHEN ADAM WAS A BOY: RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS OF THE OLDEST INHABITANT. CHAPTER IX. When Adam was a Boy: Random Recollections of the Oldest Inhabitant. By the time Cain had completed his recital, we had reached an extensive estate in the suburbs of Cimmeria. “This is my birthplace,” said Cain, proudly. “What! the Garden of—” “Haven’t you heard that E. P. Roe has driven us back to Eden? At first Mother didn’t want to come, for contrary to legendary lore, Eden is situated at the North Pole. It is pretty cold when one’s only covering is a shiver and the shadow of the Arctic circle. The only way Eve could keep warm was by reading Jonathan Edwards’ sermons. She was especially interested in the one wherein he said that sinners are held over the pit of hell as one holds a spider or some other—the ‘other’ is mine: I have to correct his grammar as well as his theology—loathsome insect over the fire.