Now CAPTAIN BAGG had bowed him to A heavy matrimonial yoke: His wifey had of faults a few-- She never could resist a joke. Her chaff at first he meekly bore, Till unendurable it grew. "To stop this persecution sore I will consult my friend CAREW. "And when CAREW'S advice I've got, Divorce _a mensâ_ I shall try.'" (A legal separation--not A _vinculo conjugii_.) "O BAINES CAREW, my woe I've kept A secret hitherto, you know;"-- (And BAINES CAREW, ESQUIRE, he wept To hear that BAGG had any woe). "My case, indeed, is passing sad, My wife--whom I considered true-- With brutal conduct drives me mad." "I am appalled," said BAINES CAREW. "What! sound the matrimonial knell Of worthy people such as these! Why was I an attorney? Well-- Go on to the _sævitia_, please." [Illustration] 'Domestic bliss has proved my bane, A harder case you never heard, My wife (in other matters sane) Pretends that I'm a Dicky Bird! "She makes me sing, 'Too-whit, too-wee!' And stand upon a rounded stick, And always introduces me To every one as 'Pretty Dick'!" "Oh dear," said weeping BAINES CAREW, "This is the direst case I know"-- "I'm grieved," said BAGG, "at paining you, To COBB and POLTERTHWAITE I'll go. "To COBB'S cold calculating ear My gruesome sorrows I'll impart"-- "No; stop," said BAINES, "I'll dry my tear And steel my sympathetic heart!" [Illustration] "She makes me perch upon a tree, Rewarding me with, 'Sweety--nice!' And threatens to exhibit me With four or five performing mice." "Restrain my tears I wish I could" (Said BAINES), "I don't know what to do." Said CAPTAIN BAGG, "You're very good." "Oh, not at all," said BAINES CAREW, "She makes me fire a gun," said BAGG; "And at a preconcerted word Climb up a ladder with a flag, Like any street-performing bird. "She places sugar in my way-- In public places calls me 'Sweet!'-- She gives me groundsel every day, And hard canary seed to eat." "Oh, woe! oh, sad! oh, dire to tell!" (Said BAINES), "Be good enough to stop." And senseless on the floor he fell With unpremeditated flop. Said CAPTAIN BAGG, "Well, really I Am grieved to think it pains you so. I thank you for your sympathy; But, hang it--come--I say, you know!" But BAINES lay flat upon the floor, Convulsed with sympathetic sob-- The Captain toddled off next door, And gave the case to Mr. Cobb. [Illustration] ONLY ROSES