Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.-- Oh, beware of his anger provoking! Better not pull his hair--don't stick pins in his chair; He won't understand practical joking. If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack, You may get a bland smile from these sages; But should it, by chance, be imported from France, Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages! It's a general rule, Though your zeal it may quench, If the Family Fool Makes a joke that's _too_ French, Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages! Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack, And your senses with toothache you're losing, And you're mopy and flat--they don't fine you for that If you're properly quaint and amusing! Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day, And took with her your trifle of money; Bless your heart, they don't mind--they're exceedingly kind-- They don't blame you--as long as you're funny! It's a comfort to feel If your partner should flit, Though _you_ suffer a deal, _They_ don't mind it a bit-- They don't blame you--so long as you're funny! [Illustration] THE PERIWINKLE GIRL I've often thought that headstrong youths Of decent education Determine all-important truths With strange precipitation. The ever-ready victims they, Of logical illusions, And in a self-assertive way They jump at strange conclusions. Now take my case: Ere sorrow could My ample forehead wrinkle, I had determined that I should Not care to be a winkle. "A winkle," I would oft advance With readiness provoking, "Can seldom flirt, and never dance, Or soothe his mind by smoking." In short, I spurned the shelly joy, And spoke with strange decision-- Men pointed to me as a boy Who held them in derision. But I was young--too young, by far-- Or I had been more wary, I knew not then that winkles are The stock-in-trade of MARY. I had not watched her sunlight blithe As o'er their shells it dances-- I've seen those winkles almost writhe Beneath her beaming glances. Of slighting all the winkly brood I surely had been chary, If I had known they formed the food And stock-in-trade of MARY. Both high and low and great and small Fell prostrate at her tootsies, They all were noblemen, and all Had balances at COUTTS'S. Dukes with the lovely maiden dealt, DUKE BAILEY and DUKE HUMPHY, Who ate her winkles till they felt Exceedingly uncomfy. [Illustration] DUKE BAILEY greatest wealth computes, And sticks, they say, at no-thing, He wears a pair of golden boots And silver underclothing.