Ben Franklin was a Jester of the sort That fused, with wit, rare wisdom in retort; And, on his mettle, tempered by a smile His irony could hold them _all_ awhile. King Louis' Court to impotence made plea Before the onslaughts of his repartee. His well-aimed jibes were quite as hard to dodge As meteors agleam with persiflage. His oily tongue worked on a swinging swivel, For he _spat out_ his thoughts and didn't drivel. The Quakers, in his absence, had attacks Of blues, because they missed his almanacs; And Frenchmen soon began to understand And praise his jokes (in England contraband). He said to Louis, "Sire, the skies are down; I wouldn't give a Fillip for your crown." And added, "Nay, I wouldn't give a sou! There's just one Philip, but sixteen of you!" He had no fear, you see, of raining Kings, And, with umbrella raised, enjoyed his flings. Such pointed puns _disfavor_ oft beget, But Louis laughed and so did Lafayette. Tho galley slave, like creatures of his type, He broke his chains, when Freedom's plans were ripe, And put the U. S. A. upon the chart, Allied to France, thru diplomatic art. To-day Ben Bolt, who clipped the lion's claws, For lightning work gets thunderous applause. The thunderbolts obeyed at his command, And currents, insubordinate, were canned. He kept the Upper Regions on the string And shocked the Lower World like everything. All praise to Franklin, Diplomatic Star! He went where he was sent, but not _too far_: And tho he flew his mortal kite so high, Poor Richard's name illuminates the sky. EXCELSIOR The bale consigned to O. U. Crook, Upholsterer--marked, USE NO HOOK, Was not curled hair or even moss, Nor yet a mixture or a cross, Excelsior! "This Davenport was made to wear; Fine leather and best camel hair!" Said Crook (a patent skin all right, But all the "hair" was out of sight). Excelsior! And so Crook sold the lounge or couch To some poor Boob with gold-filled pouch; And also sold an easy chair (The Easy Mark was stuffed for fair.) Excelsior! And thus he plied his artful trade (A better Craftsman ne'er was made) Until the shavings, dyed and curled, Resembled hair for all the world. Excelsior! O, baleful occupation his! The way he made his mattresses Would make a lounging layman sick. He sold for cash and gave no tick tick-- Excelsior! A mark-down sale Crook staged in time-- "Such bed-rock prices are a crime," "I get my hair by camel-train": But all his "hair" was cut in Maine-- Excelsior! And then a fire occurred at length To bolster Crook's financial strength: The _glue_ that mocked the incensed air Mistaken was for burning hair; Excelsior!