The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
I believe that story is new, although perhaps it is not of an
uproariously mirthful character; but one hears stories at the store
that are old enough, goodness knows stories which, no doubt, diverted
Methuselah in the sunny days of his giddy and thoughtless boyhood.
There is an exciting scene at the store occasionally. Yesterday an
athletic peasant, in a state of beer, smashed in a counter and emptied
two tubs of butter on the floor. His father a white-haired old man,
who was a little boy when the Revolutionary war closed, but who doesn't
remember Washington much, came round in the evening and settled for the
damages. "My son," he said, "has considerable originality." I will
mention that this same son once told me that he could lick me with one
arm tied behind him, and I was so thoroughly satisfied he could, that I
told him he needn't mind going for a rope.
Sometimes I go a-visiting to a farmhouse, on which occasions the parlor
is opened. The windows have been close-shut ever since the last visitor
was there, and there is a dingy smell that I struggle as calmly as
possible with, until I am led to the banquet of steaming hot biscuit and
custard pie. If they would only let me sit in the dear old-fashioned
kitchen, or on the door-stone if they knew how dismally the new black
furniture looked but, never mind, I am not a reformer. No, I should
rather think not.
Gloomy enough, this living on a farm, you perhaps say, in which case you
are wrong. I can't exactly say that I pant to be an agriculturist, but
I do know that in the main it is an independent, calmly happy sort of
life. I can see how the prosperous farmer can go joyously a-field
with the rise of the sun, and how his heart may swell with pride over
bounteous harvests and sleek oxen. And it must be rather jolly for him
on winter evenings to sit before the bright kitchen fire and watch his
rosy boys and girls as they study out the charades in the weekly paper,
and gradually find out why my first is something that grows in a garden,
and my second is a fish.
On the green hillside over yonder there is a quivering of snowy drapery,
and bright hair is flashing in the morning sunlight. It is recess, and
the Seminary girls are running in the tall grass.
A goodly seminary to look at outside, certainly, although I am pained
to learn, as I do on unprejudiced authority, that Mrs. Higgins, the
Principal, is a tyrant, who seeks to crush the girls and trample upon
them; but my sorrow is somewhat assuaged by learning that Skimmerhorn,
the pianist, is perfectly splendid.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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