The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Looking at these girls reminds me that I, too, was once young and where
are the friends of my youth? I have found one of 'em, certainly. I saw
him ride in the circus the other day on a bareback horse, and even now
his name stares at me from yonder board-fence, in green, and blue, and
red, and yellow letters. Dashington, the youth with whom I used to read
the able orations of Cicero, and who, as a declaimer on exhibition days,
used to wipe the rest of us boys pretty handsomely out--well, Dashington
is identified with the halibut and cod interest--drives a fish cart,
in fact, from a certain town on the coast, back into the interior.
Hurbertson, the utterly stupid boy the lunkhead, who never had his
lesson he's about the ablest lawyer a sister State can boast. Mills is
a newspaper man, and is just now editing a Major-General down South.
Singlinson, the sweet-voiced boy, whose face was always washed and who
was real good, and who was never rude--he is in the penitentiary for
putting his uncle's autograph to a financial document. Hawkins, the
clergyman's son, is an actor, and Williamson, the good little boy who
divided his bread and butter with the beggarman, is a failing merchant,
and makes money by it. Tom Slink, who used to smoke short-sixes and get
acquainted with the little circus boys, is popularly supposed to be
the proprietor of a cheap gaming establishment in Boston, where the
beautiful but uncertain prop is nightly tossed. Be sure, the Army is
represented by many of the friends of my youth, the most of whom have
given a good account of themselves. But Chalmerson hasn't done much.
No, Chalmerson is rather of a failure. He plays on the guitar and sings
love songs. Not that he is a bad man. A kinder-hearted creature never
lived, and they say he hasn't yet got over crying for his little curly
haired sister who died ever so long ago. But he knows nothing about
business, politics, the world, and those things. He is dull at trade
indeed, it is a common remark that "everybody cheats Chalmerson."
He came to the party the other evening, and brought his guitar. They
wouldn't have him for a tenor in the opera, certainly, for he is shaky
in his upper notes; but if his simple melodies didn't gush straight from
the heart, why were my trained eyes wet? And although some of the
girls giggled, and some of the men seemed to pity him I could not help
fancying that poor Chalmerson was nearer heaven than any of us all!
____________________
THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED.
You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for these many dase gone and
past.
Perchans you sposed I'd gone to the Tomb of the Cappylets, tho I don't
know what those is.
It's a popler noospaper frase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may here I've been among the
Seseshers, a earnin my daily peck by my legitimit perfeshun, and havn't
had no time to weeld my facile quill for "the Grate Komick paper," if
you'll allow me to kote from your troothful advertisement.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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