"My illustrious and patriotic Bummers!" sez I, a gittin up and takin orf my Shappo, "if you allude to A. Ward, it's my pleasin dooty to inform you that he's ded.  He saw the error of his ways at 15 minutes parst 2 yesterday, and stabbed hisself with a stuffed sled-stake, dyin in five beautiful tabloos to slow moosic!  His last words was: 'My perfeshernal career is over!  I jerk no more!'" "And who be you?" "I'm a stoodent in Senator Benjamin's law offiss.  I'm going up North to steal some spoons and things for the Southern Army."  This was satisfactory and the intossicated troopers went orf.  At the next station the pretty little Secessher awoke and sed she must git out there.  I bid her a kind adoo and giv her sum pervisions.  "Accept my blessin and this hunk of ginger bred!" I sed.  She thankt me muchly and tript galy away.  There's considerable human nater in a man, and I'm afraid I shall allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he cums to me in the shape of a nice young gal. At the next station I didn't get orf so easy.  I was dragged out of the cars and rolled in the mud for several minits, for the purpose of "takin the conseet out of me," as a Secesher kindly stated.  I was let up finally, when a powerful large Secesher came up and embraced me, and to show that he had no hard feelins agin me, put his nose into my mouth.  I returned the compliment by placin my stummick suddenly agin his right foot, when he kindly made a spittoon of his able-bodied face.  Actooated by a desire to see whether the Secesher had bin vaxinated I then fastened my teeth onto his left coat-sleeve and tore it to the shoulder.  We then vilently bunted out heads together for a few minutes, danced around a little, and sot down in a mudpuddle.  We riz to our feet agin and by a sudden and adroit movement I placed my left eye agin the Secesher's fist.  We then rushed into each other's arms and fell under a two-hoss wagon.  I was very much exhaustid and didn't care about gettin up agin, but the man sed he reckoned I'd better, and I conclooded I would.  He pulled me up, but I hadn't bin on my feet more'n two seconds afore the ground flew up and hit me in the hed.  The crowd sed it was high old sport, but I couldn't zackly see where the lafture come in.  I riz and we embraced agin.  We careered madly to a steep bank, when I got the upper hands of my antaggernist and threw him into the raveen.  He fell about forty feet, striking a grindstone pretty hard.  I understood he was injured.  I haven't heard from the grindstone. A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a apology was doo me.  There was a mistake.  The crowd had taken me for another man!  I told him not to mention it, and axed him if his wife and little ones was so as to be about, and got on bored the train, which had stopped at that station "20 minits for refreshments."  I got all I wantid.  It was the hartiest meal I ever et.