The Definite Object: A Romance of New YorkFarnol, Jeffery
General
The Definite Object: A Romance of New York
Farnol, Jeffery
New York (N.Y.) -- Fiction
"Come and see!" said Ravenslee mysteriously. "Catch this one before I
drop it!"
"Why--hello," said Spike, sniffing at the package in question as he led
the way into the parlour, "it smells good! It sniffs like--Holy Gee,
it's a roast turkey! And--oh, say, Geoff--she's a beaut!"
"Precisely what Mr. Pffeffenfifer assured me," said Ravenslee,
depositing his other burdens on the table. "Mr. Pffeffenfifer is
a man educated in eats, a food fancier, an artist of the appetite!
Mr. Pffeffenfifer is fat and soulful! Mr. Pffeffenfifer nearly wept
tears over the virtues of that bird--pledged his mortal soul for its
tenderness, vowed by all the gods it had breast enough for twins! Mr.
Pffeffenfifer seemed so passionately attached to that bird that I feared
he meant to keep it to gloat over in selfish secrecy. But no--base coin
seduced him, did the trick and--here it is. Also we have a loaf!" and
from beneath one arm Ravenslee dropped a package that resolved itself
into a Vienna roll. "Also, ham--"
"Hey, Geoff," said Spike in awe-struck tones, "are all these eats?"
"Certainly. I should have brought more if I could have carried 'em."
"More?"
"Most decidedly. When I buy eats, my lad, I buy everything in sight that
looks worth while--if Mr. Pffeffenfifer sells. Mr. Pffeffenfifer sells
in such a soulfully seductive way that eats acquire virtues above and
beyond their own base selves. Mr. Pffeffenfifer can infuse soul into a
sausage. Behold now, eats the most alluring. See, what's this! Ah, yes,
here we have, item: Salmi, redolent of garlic! Here again a head cheese,
succulent and savoury; here's ham, most ravishingly pink--and a
Camembert cheese."
"But, Jiminy Christmas--you bought such a lot of each. Who's goin' t'
eat all these?"
"We, of course!"
"But we can't eat 'em all!" sighed Spike.
"Can't we?" said Ravenslee, beginning to view the quantity of the
numerous viands with dubious eyes. "They do seem rather a lot now I see
'em all together. But I'm ravenous, and if we can't manage 'em, we'll
find some one who can."
"Y' see, Geoff, I shan't be able t' eat any o' the rest when I'm through
with the turk'!" sighed Spike, a little reproachfully. "My, but I'm
hungry! Strange how hungry cold turkey makes a guy!"
"Why, then," said Ravenslee, pitching his hat into a corner, "sit down,
comrade, and 'let mirth with unconfin_ed_ wing'--" Ravenslee yawned.
"I guess we'd better wait a bit, Geoff."
"What for?"
"Hermy."
"Is she--do you mean she's back?" enquired Ravenslee, sitting up.
"Yes, she didn't stay at Englewood; she's down-stairs, doctoring Tony's
kid."
"But what will she think of all these confounded messes?"
"Messes!" cried Spike indignantly. "Cheese it, Geoff--look at that
turk'!"
"But--do you think she'll--mind?" enquired Ravenslee uneasily.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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