destitute of a mouth, than that distorted Mouth should abuse the grateful off-spring of a cheerful heart. I could not have gone to a fitter School than this, to learn Impudence, Lies, Oaths, Drunkenness, with all other Vices and Debaucheries, which commonly flow from such like Nurseries for Hell, Factors for the Devil. My frequent ramblings after this manner abroad, and in my returns, my jolly temper and jocular humour at home, made my Nurse begin to suspect me, calling me to an account where I had been, with whom, and whether I had not tippled. I was grown so stout a Drunkard in so short a time, that my tongue and feet made a firm contract never to betray me, and therefore to all her demands I had excuses at my fingers ends: However she could not but sensibly find a decrease in her small stock; her chief livelihood depending on the sale of Apples, Nuts, Ginger-bread, Eggs, and the like, and thought all her endeavours were blasted from above: I saw her much troubled, and grieved, and I could not but be a little troubled, that I should be the destruction of my preserver; but as seldom any such perplexing thoughts came into my head, so I was ever cautious how I entertained such disquietness. But Heaven decreed, that I should not be the ruine of this Woman, and therefore permitted me to go no longer on in my Roguery with her. For a little distance off our House, I stept into a lower room in an Alehouse, and seeing no body, I imagined the coast was clear. If I had seen any, I should have askt some blind question or other; for I was sufficiently well acquainted, not only in that Parish, but through all _Bristol_; that was the place of my Nativity: I say, seeing none, I catcht up a Beaker, thinking it was Silver, (but its new scouring deceived me) and clapt it into my Breeches, and so marcht off, as I thought undiscovered, endeavouring with what speed I could to repair to my old Rendezvouz. But he that observed me to steal the Beaker did now dog me to the Bawdy-house, which I had no sooner entred, but I was groaping in my Breeches for my purchase, which when I had pull’d out, I tendred to my Landlady, desiring her to be civil to me; _ne’re question_ (quoth the fellow behind my back, that had watcht, and now catcht me) _you shal have as much civility as a whip will bestow on your back; besides what kindness lies in my power to do you_. Hearing him say so, I would have run a race with him, but I found him indisposed, being out of breath before, and therefore held me fast, desiring one of those that were crowding about the door to hear what was the matter, to go and fetch a Constable, which one more officious Rascal than the rest, presently did; and the Constable taking me in custody, and about to carry me before the Justice (cryed) _Hold, good Mr. Constable, I pray, Sir, let me desire you to put your self to the trouble to view the House farther; which by this gave Matrons leave, I question not we shall find well furnished with variety