"You want to know what was the most awful thing? The disillusionment was
the most awful thing--the going off. The war wasn't. The war is what it
has to be. Did it surprise you to find out that war is horrible? The
only surprising thing was the going off. To find out that women are
cruel--that was the surprising thing. That they can smile and throw
roses; that they can give up their husbands, their children, the little
boys they have put to bed a thousand times, tucked up a thousand times,
have fondled, have created from their own flesh and blood. That was the
surprise. That they gave us up--that they sent us--actually sent us. For
every one of them would have been ashamed to stand there without a hero.
That was the great disillusionment.... Do you think we should have gone
if they had not sent us? Do you think so?... No general could have done
anything if the women hadn't allowed us to be packed into the trains, if
they had screamed out that they would never look at us again if we
became murderers. Not a man would have gone if they had sworn never to
give themselves to one who had split open other men's skulls or shot and
bayoneted his fellows. Not one man, I tell you, would have gone. I
didn't want to believe that they could stand it like that. 'They're only
pretending,' I thought. 'They're just holding themselves in. But when
the whistle blows they'll begin to scream, and tear us out of the train,
and rescue us.' That one time they had the chance to protect us. But all
they cared about was to be in the fashion!..."
He broke down, and collapsed once more on to the bench. He began to
weep. A little circle of people had formed round him. The doctor said
gently:
"Come, come, Lieutenant, let's get along to bed. Women are like that,
you know, and we can't help it."
The sick man leapt to his feet in a rage.
"Women are like that? Women are like that? Since when? Since when? Have
you never heard of the suffragettes who boxed the ears of ministers of
state, who set museums on fire, who chained themselves to lamp-posts,
all for the sake of the vote? For the sake of the vote, do you hear? But
for the sake of their men? Nothing!"
He paused to take breath, overwhelmed with a throttling despair. Then,
fighting with sobs, like a hunted beast, he cried out:
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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