The Gem CollectorWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
The Gem Collector
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories; Jewel thieves -- Fiction
"Out with it," said Jimmy.
"What----"
"I knew a man once who stammered," said Jimmy. "He used to chew dog
biscuit while he was speaking. It cured him. Besides being
nutritious."
"You--you blackguard!" said Sir Thomas.
Jimmy placed the pearls carefully on the dressing table. Then he
turned to Sir Thomas, with his hands in the pockets of his coat. It
was a tight corner, but he had been in tighter in his time, and in
this instance he fancied that he held a winning card. He found himself
enjoying the interview.
"So--so it's you, is it?" said Sir Thomas.
"Who told you?"
"So you're a thief," went on the baronet viciously, "a low thief."
"Dash it all--I say, come now," protested Jimmy. "Not low. You may not
know me, over here, but I've got a big American reputation. Ask
anybody. But----
"And, I say," added Jimmy, "I know you don't mean to be offensive, but
I wish you wouldn't call me a thief. I'm a cracksman. There's a world
of difference between the two branches of the profession. I mean,
well, suppose you were an actor-manager, you wouldn't like to be
called a super, would you? I mean--well, you see don't you? An
ordinary thief, for instance, would use violence in a case like this.
Violence--except in extreme cases; I hope this won't be one of
them--is contrary to cracksmen's etiquette. On the other hand, Sir
Thomas, I should like to say that I have you covered."
There was a pipe in the pocket of his coat. He thrust the stem of this
earnestly against the lining. Sir Thomas eyed the protuberance
apprehensively, and turned a little pale.
"My gun, as you see, is in my pocket. It is loaded and cocked. It is
pointing straight at you at the present moment, and my finger is on
the trigger. I may add that I am a dead shot at a yard and a half. So
I should recommend you _not_ to touch that bell you are looking at."
Sir Thomas' hand wavered.
"Do, if you like, of course," said Jimmy agreeably. "In any case, I
shan't fire to kill you. I shall just smash your knees. Beastly
painful, but not fatal."
He waggled the pipe suggestively. Sir Thomas blanched. His hand fell
to his side.
"How are the theatricals going?" asked Jimmy. "Did you like the
monologue?"
Sir Thomas had backed away from the bell, but the retreat was merely
for the convenience of the moment. He understood that it might be
inconvenient to press the button just then; but he had recovered his
composure by this time, and he saw that the game must be his. Jimmy
was trapped, and he hastened to make this clear to him.
"How, may I ask," he said, "do you propose to leave the abbey?"
"I suppose they'll let me have the automobile," said Jimmy. "They can
hardly ask me to walk. But I wasn't thinking of leaving just yet."
"You mean to stop!"
"Why not? It's a pretty place."
"And what steps, if I may ask, do you imagine I shall take?"
"Waltz steps. They're going to have a dance after the show, you know.
You ought to be in that."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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