Free speech was not tolerated by our frantic greenback opponents, and
stale eggs with decayed cabbages hurled at the heads of Republican
orators were the strongest arguments used by the General's admirers to
combat our appeals for protective tariff and sound money. At a meeting
of our state committee in Boston, Judge Thayer announced that General
Hall of Maine, one of our most brilliant speakers, could not reach
Rockport, where he was billed to hold forth, before ten o'clock that
evening, and called for volunteers to hold the audience for two hours.
Rockport was almost solid for Butler, and his friends had declared
that no Republican should speak there, consequently no one
volunteered. At last, the Judge, in despair, said:
"Foss, will you go?"
"I shall obey orders," was my reply, amid cheers of the much-relieved
shirkers, and I bolted for the train.
On arriving at my destination, I found the station crowded with a
howling mob, and the Republican town committee were frantically
shouting: "General Hall, General Hall!" "Here," said I, and only by
the vigorous aid of the clubs of the police was I hustled through the
embattled hosts to a hack, which took me to the hall where I walked on
the shoulders of a friendly uniformed club to the platform, which
I finally reached with torn apparel and in a condition of almost
physical and mental collapse.
The "hail to the chief," by the band was drowned by the cat-calls:
"Put him out!"--"Duck him!"--"Ride him on a rail!" etc., etc., Yells
of the Butlerites who had packed the hall. At last I got my "mad up,"
and rising, I lighted a cigar, puffed vigorously, and smiled upon
my uproarious foes. This astonished the "great unwashed," and a big
Irishman jumped on the stage, shouting:
"Shut up, shut up, byes! Let's hear what the cuss has to say; he's a
cool un."
There was silence. Taking out my cigar, I laughed long and loud.
"What you laughing at?" howled the mob.
"This reminds me," said I, very slowly, "of a little story."
"Out with it," was the response.
"When I was a teacher in Marblehead," drawled I, "I had occasion
to wallop a boy with a cowhide. I made him touch his toes with his
fingers and laid on the braid where it would do the most good; the
more I whaled him the more he laughed. I laid on Macduff with a
'damned be he who first cries hold, enough,' determination, and yet
he laughed. 'What you laughing at?' cried I. 'Oh, ha, ha, ha, you're
licking the wrong boy,' giggled the unspeakable scamp. It's just that
way here. You gentlemen are licking the wrong boy; I am not General
Hall, at all, I am Lieutenant-General Ulysses S. Grant." The crowd
roared: "He's a good un, let's hear him--ha, ha, ha, he's a good un,"
and for two hours I had as good-natured an audience as you ever saw.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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