The Humors of Falconbridge: A Collection of Humorous and Every Day ScenesFalconbridge
General
The Humors of Falconbridge: A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes
Falconbridge
American wit and humor
"Cool?" with a hot wire in his tooth! But Bill, being already intensely
crucified, and assured of Firelock's skill, took his head out of the
mush-plaster, opened his jaws, and Firelock, admonishing him to "keep
cool," crowded the hot, sizzling wire on to the tin foil jammed into the
hollow by Wangbanger, and gave it a twist clear through the melted tin
to the exposed nerve. Bill jumped, bit off the wire, burnt his tongue,
and knocked Firelock nearly through the partition of his shop; and so
frightened Monsieur Savon, the little barber next door, that he rushed
out into the street, crying--
"Mon Dieu! mon Dieu! Ze zundair strike my shop!"
Bill was stone dead--Firelock crippled. The apothecary over the way came
in, picked up poor Bill, applied some camphor to his nose, and brought
him back to life, and--the pangs of tooth-ache!
"Kreasote!" says Squills, the 'pothecary. "I'll ease your pain, Mr.
Whiffletree, in a second!"
Poor Bill gave up--the kreasote added a fresh invoice to his
misery--burnt his already lacerated and roasted tongue--and he yelled
right out.
"Death and glory! O-h-h-h-h, murder! You've pizened me!"
"Put a hot brick to that young man's face," said a stranger; "'twill
take out the pain and swelling in three minutes!"
Bill revived; he seemed pleased at the stranger's suggestion; the Brick
was applied; but Bill's cheek being now half raw with the various
messes, it made him yell when the brick touched him!
He cleared for home, went to bed, and the excessive pain, finally, with
laudanum, kreasote, fire, and hot bricks, put him to sleep.
He awoke at midnight, in a frightful state of misery; walked the floor
until daylight; was tempted two or three times to jump out the window or
crawl up the chimney!
Until noon next day he suffered, trying in vain, every ten minutes, some
"known cure," oils, acids, steam, poultices, and the ten thousand
applications usually tried to cure a raging tooth.
Desperation made Bill revengeful. He got a club and went after Dr.
Wangbanger, who had set all the village in a rage of tooth-ache. Ten or
a dozen of his victims were at his door, awaiting ferociously their
turns to be revenged.
But the bird had flown; the _teuth-doctor_ had sloped; yet a good
Samaritan came to poor Bill, and whispering in his ear, Bill started for
Monsieur Savon's barber-shop, took a seat, shut his eyes, and said his
prayers. The little Frenchman took a keen knife and pair of pincers, and
Bill giving one awful yell, the tooth was out, and his pains and perils
at an end!
A-a-a-in't they Thick?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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