The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
“There was that wretch on top of the house, a-fixin’ his old rods and
hammerin’ away for dear life. He’d brought his ladder over the side
fence, where the dog, a-barkin’ and plungin’ at the boy outside,
couldn’t see him. I stood dumb for a minute, and then I know’d I had
him. I rushed into the house, got a piece of well-rope, tied it to the
bull-dog’s collar, an’ dragged him out and fastened him to the bottom
rung of the ladder. Then I walks over to the front fence with Lord
Edward’s chain, for I knew that if he got at that bull-dog there’d be
times, for they’d never been allowed to see each other yet. So says I to
the boy, ‘I’m goin’ to tie up the dog, so you needn’t be afraid of his
jumpin’ over the fence,’—which he couldn’t do, or the boy would have
been a corpse for twenty minutes, or maybe half-an-hour. The boy kinder
laughed, and said I needn’t mind, which I didn’t. Then I went to the
gate and I clicked to the horse which was standin’ there, an’ off he
starts, as good as gold, an’ trots down the road. The boy, he said
somethin’ or other pretty bad an’ away he goes after him; but the horse
was a-trottin’ real fast, an’ had a good start.”
“How on earth could you ever think of doing such things?” said Euphemia.
“That horse might have upset the waggon and broken all the
lightning-rods, besides running over I don’t know how many people.”
“But you see, ma’am, that wasn’t my look-out,” said Pomona. “I was
a-defendin’ the house, and the enemy must expect to have things happen
to him. So then I hears an awful row on the roof, and there was the man
just coming down the ladder. He’d heard the horse go off, and when he
got about half-way down an’ caught a sight of the bull-dog, he was
madder than ever you seed a lightnin’-rodder in all your born days.
‘Take that dog off of there!’ he yelled at me. ‘No, I won’t,’ says I. ‘I
never see a girl like you since I was born,’ he screams at me. ‘I guess
it would ’a’ been better fur you if you had,’ says I; an’ then he was so
mad he couldn’t stand it any longer, and he comes down as low as he
could, and when he saw just how long the rope was—which was pretty
short—he made a jump, and landed clear of the dog. Then he went on
dreadful because he couldn’t get at his ladder to take it away; and I
wouldn’t untie the dog, because if I had he’d ’a’ torn the tendons out
of that fellow’s legs in no time. I never see a dog in such a boiling
passion, and yet never making no sound at all but blood-curdlin’ grunts.
An’ I don’t see how the rodder would ’a’ got his ladder at all if the
dog hadn’t made an awful jump at him, and jerked the ladder down. It
just missed your geranium-bed, and the rodder, he ran to the other end
of it, and began pulling it away, dog and all. ‘Look-a-here,’ says I,
‘we can fix him now;’ and so he cooled down enough to help me, and I
unlocked the front door, and we pushed the bottom end of the ladder in,
dog and all; an’ then I shut the door as tight as it would go an’ untied
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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