_The Justice of the Peace._ You are accused of smearing mustard on the face of a waiter in the hotel Yàgodka. _First Defendant._ We had a lark—that’s true enough. _Justice._ You broke the mirror. _First Defendant._ There—all that’s paid for, and we have given the boy his due. _Justice._ Then you acknowledge yourselves guilty? _First Defendant._ Guilty? What have I done wrong? If I pay my money down—— _Justice._ You were together? _Second Defendant._ Yes, your honour. _Justice._ Do you acknowledge yourself guilty? _Second Defendant._ Certainly not! _Justice._ It is stated in the accusation that you—— _Second Defendant._ I dare say! I’d write you all the accusations you like for 2¾d. _Justice._ I cannot permit you to express yourself in this manner. _Second Defendant._ I wasn’t expressing anything at all! _Justice_ (_to witness_). State what happened. _Witness._ I dun’no wot ever money they’re a-talkin’ about—_I_ never got no money! They jes’ come in, an’ they was pretty well screwed, both on ’em, an’ they ordered a stew, an’ a big decanter, an’ then a bottle o’ sherry. So when they got very tight, they began blusterin’ away—— _First Defendant._ If I smeared your ugly face—— _Justice._ Silence! _First Defendant._ Cert’nly sir, only he’s tellin’ a pack of lies! _Advocate._ I beg permission to put a question to the witness. _Justice._ Who are you? _Advocate._ Retained for the defence. _Justice._ Afterwards. _Witness._ Well, they was blusterin’ away, an’ then they set to an’ began a-cruelly ill-usin’ o’ me. _Justice._ How “ill-using”? _Witness._ By the air o’ the ‘ed, y’r worship. _Justice._ Which of them? _Witness._ Why, them there, both on ’em. _First Defendant._ That’s all rot. _Advocate._ I beg permission to put a question to the witness. _Justice._ I told you—afterwards. _Witness._ Well, then they begins smearin’ o’ mustard all over me. One gent as was in the coffee-room, he up an’ says, “This is dis—graceful,” says ‘e; and they told ’im, “We’ve paid our money down.” _Justice._ Is this a true account? _First Defendant._ Maybe; I was screwed pretty tight; I don’t quite recollect. But, even if we did smear him a bit, what’s there to make such a fuss about? It wasn’t turpentine we smeared him with—and then, besides, we paid our money down for it. Well, it’s all one to me; I’ll say “guilty,” if you like. _Justice_ (_to Second Defendant_). And you? _Second Defendant._ We keep to our former statement. _Advocate._ May I speak now? _Justice._ You may. _Advocate._ May it please y’r worship! The heartfelt repentance brought into court, in accordance with the new statute, dimin’shes.... The law permits of moral conviction, and I therefore beg you to judge my client by moral conviction. I deny—a—any guilt in this case. I have long served in the Administrash’n of Benevo—— _Justice._ Excuse me. In what condition are you? _Advocate._ I beg y’r p—pard’n? _Justice._ In what condition have you come here?