A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."--"Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was _smuggled_." CCCV.--BRUTAL AFFECTIONS. THE attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her _compassion_: "Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!" CCCVI.--AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY. AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and see how you open your mouth, _that I may know what sort of words will fit it_." CCCVII.--WHIG AND TORY. WHIG and Tory scratch and bite, Just as hungry dogs we see; Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight; Throw a couple, they agree. CCCVIII.--CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN. A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady, modestly, "one should be young and handsome."--"Nay, madam," replied the gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the _contrary_." CCCIX.--A PLACEBO. WHEN Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this _old_ place."--"Psha, sir," said George, "don't fret; when you had this _old_ place, you were _out_ of place; now you are _in place_, you can get both _yourself and me a better place_." The hint was taken, and old George provided for. CCCX.--A PLACE WANTED. A GENTLEMAN, who did not live very happily with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I wish I could give _warning_ too." CCCXI.--NOT TO BE BOUGHT. A COMMON-COUNCILMAN'S lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants anything it is a _capacity_: but for _that_ deficiency you know we must not blame _her_."--"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame _you_ for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a _capacity_; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may." CCCXII.--SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.