The Man Upstairs and Other StoriesWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories, English
'Gentleman was too busy talking to have time to get suspicious, but I
wasn't; and one day I draws Gentleman aside and puts it to him
straight. "Gentleman," I says, "Jerry Moore is in love!"
'Well, this was a nasty knock, of course, for Gentleman. He knew as
well as I did what it would mean if Jerry was to lead home a blushing
bride through that front door. It would be outside into the cold, hard
world for the bachelor friends. Gentleman sees that quick, and his jaw
drops. I goes on. "All the time," I says, "that you're talking away of
an evening, Jerry's seeing visions of a little woman sitting in your
chair. And you can bet we don't enter into them visions. He may dream
of little feet pattering about the house," I says, "but they aren't
ours; and you can 'ave something on that both ways. Look alive,
Gentleman," I says, "and think out some plan, or we might as well be
padding the hoof now."
'Well, Gentleman did what he could. In his evening discourses he
started to give it to Woman all he knew. Began to talk about Delilahs
and Jezebels and Fools-there-was and the rest of it, and what a mug a
feller was to let a female into 'is cosy home, who'd only make him
spend his days hooking her up, and his nights wondering how to get back
the blankets without waking her. My, he was crisp! Enough to have given
Romeo the jumps, you'd have thought. But, lor! It's no good talking to
them when they've got it bad.
'A few days later we caught him with the goods, talking in the road to
a girl in a pink dress.
'I couldn't but admit that Jerry had picked one right from the top of
the basket. This wasn't one of them languishing sort wot sits about in
cosy corners and reads story-books, and don't care what's happening in
the home so long as they find out what became of the hero in his duel
with the Grand Duke. She was a brown, slim, wiry-looking little thing.
_You_ know. Held her chin up and looked you up and down with eyes
the colour of Scotch whisky, as much as to say, "Well, what
_about_ it?" You could tell without looking at her, just by the
feel of the atmosphere when she was near, that she had as much snap and
go in her as Jerry Moore hadn't, which was a good bit. I knew, just as
sure as I was standing there on one leg, that this was the sort of girl
who would have me and Gentleman out of that house about three seconds
after the clergyman had tied the knot.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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