And yet another element had been thrown into the balance. He had
discovered, almost suddenly, the depths of his love for Sylviana. And
while this might have comforted him and been a source or quiet strength,
two nagging fears had risen alongside it, which in his present state
seemed undeniable. First, though he knew she cared for him, and in her
way even loved him, that was now, when her need was greatest and there
was no one else to choose from. What if someday there were others? And
secondly, of more immediate concern, he felt he could not take care of
her, or give her the things she needed to live. His every attempt had
ended in failure and near disaster, and he clearly saw the price it cost
her. He felt for this reason, and others like it, that he had no right
to think of her as his own, a belief which galled his animal self to no
end.
*
As all of this passed inside him, Sylviana continued to work quietly
away, doing everything she could think of to stabilize the temperature
of the enclosure. First she took pine branches they had used as a blind
outside the barrier, and placed them in a careful thatching pattern
inside the shaft, here at the bottom where it was narrowest. This still
allowed the smoke to pass up through it, if more slowly, but also kept
out much of the wind, especially the sudden gusts which seemed to
trouble him so.
Then she made a canopy of the projecting altar above his bed, stitching
together a patchwork of smaller skins to hang down from it. She also
heated stones beside the fire, and placed them by his side when he
slept.
But perhaps the wisest and most beneficial thing she did for him in
those days, beside not giving up herself, was to read to him. It
occurred to her that one of the things that made his life so difficult
was the fact that his deepest thoughts remained isolated: he didn't
know that other men felt the same emptiness, and confronted the same
unspoken fears. So she dug into the long, enclosed bookshelf that lay
half buried in a corner of the treasure room, until she found works of
fiction and philosophy which seemed appropriate. She then read to him
fragments of each, asking which he preferred.
He was cold to the idea at first, not understanding, and expressed no
preference. But she noticed that his eyes became puzzled and alert at
the first chapter of 'For Whom the Bell Tolls,' and that he seemed
to want to ask questions, but did not.
So she read him several chapters each day, until at last he began to
open up, and to ask her. Had men really lived that way? Why did Robert
Jordan not take the woman he loved far away from the war? And was it
really possible to feel the earth move beneath them when they made love?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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