Next, the excitement of the thought of communicating with Amy in
particular had to a large extent burned itself out. It was nearly four
months since her death; and in his very heart of hearts he was
beginning to be aware that she had not been so entirely his twin-soul
as he would still have maintained. He had reflected a little, in the
meantime, upon the grocer's shop, the dissenting tea-parties, the odor
of cheeses. Certainly these things could not destroy an "affinity" if
the affinity were robust; but it would need to be....
He was still very tender towards the thought of her; she had gained
too, inevitably, by dying, a dignity she had lacked while living, and
it might well be that intercourse with her in the manner proposed
would be an extraordinarily sweet experience. But he was no longer
excited--passionately and overwhelmingly--by the prospect. It would be
delightful? Yes. But....
* * * * *
Then Laurie began to look at his religion, and at that view he stopped
dead. He had no ideas at all on the subject; he had not a notion where
he stood. All he knew was that it had become uninteresting. True? Oh,
yes, he supposed so. He retained it still as many retain faith in the
supernatural--a reserve that could be drawn upon in extremities.
He had not yet missed hearing Mass on Sunday; in fact, he proposed to
go even next Sunday. "A man must have a religion," he said to himself;
and, intellectually, there was at present no other possible religion
for him except the Catholic. Yet as he looked into the future he was
doubtful.
He drew himself up in his chair and began to fill his pipe.... In
three days he would be seated in a room with three or four persons, he
supposed. Of these, two--and certainly the two strongest
characters--had no religion except that supplied by spiritualism, and
he had read enough to know this was, at any rate in the long run,
non-Christian. And these three or four persons, moreover, believed
with their whole hearts that they were in relations with the invisible
world, far more evident and sensible than those claimed by any other
believers on the face of the earth. And, after all, Laurie reflected,
there seemed to be justice in their claim. He would be seated in that
room, he repeated to himself, and it might be that before he left it
he would have seen with his own eyes, and possibly handled, living
persons who had, in the common phrase, "died" and been buried. Almost
certainly, at the very least, he would have received from such
intelligences unmistakable messages....
He was astonished that he was not more excited. He asked himself again
whether he really believed it; he compared his belief in it with his
belief in the existence of New Zealand. Yes, if that were belief, he
had it. But the excitement of doubt was gone, as no doubt it was gone
when New Zealand became a geographical expression.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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